Nuclear power plants 'won't make Suffolk any more unliveable'

THE construction of new nuclear power plants in Suffolk will not make the region significantly worse to live in, it has emerged.

More reactors in the eastern county will not be a problem because it is already home to a power plant producing hazardous waste, and is generally pretty crap anyway.

Suffolk resident Wayne Hayes said: “At first I was concerned to hear that the government is building eight more nuclear power plants. But when I learnt that some of them were going up here I thought f**k it, the damage has already been done.

“The Sizewell nuclear power stations have probably already irradiated the soil and harmed the wildlife in ways we don’t even realise yet. So chucking another one on the tab isn’t going to make much of a difference.

“I used to think the local people had started to mutate, but in fairness I think they’re just the usual annoying regional types with a chip on their shoulder and a strange hatred of France.”

Local inhabitant Donna Sheridan added: “Suffolk is home to dozens of boring middle class towns and Ipswich. The presence of another nuclear power plant producing radioactive things that have to be encased in concrete and dropped in the sea is the least of our worries.

“If anything we should be grateful the county is one step closer to becoming a massive glowing crater by the North Sea. At least then regular people might be able to afford to live here.”

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'Why do you never see ghosts in shell suits?' and other unanswered supernatural questions

DO you know a credulous idiot who thinks ghosts or UFOs are real? Here’s how to pick holes in their stupid beliefs for their own good.

Why do you never see ghosts in shell suits?

Whenever someone sees a ghost it’s invariably dressed in clothes from the olden days, but why? It’s not like people stopped dying in 1905. Surely it’s just as likely you’d see a ghost dressed in a melted shell suit who’s been run over by a car as a grey lady in a Victorian dress who – predictably – died of consumption?

Why are poltergeists so boringly domestic?

Ghosts should be exciting, so why are so many found doing tedious stuff in people’s homes, likes emptying cupboards or throwing a spoon across the kitchen? It’s basically the same as having a badly behaved toddler, and not as cute.

Why would lights in the sky be anything other than aeroplanes?

If you see a light in the sky, the most likely explanation is that it’s an aeroplane. Ah, but paranormal fans say, it wasn’t moving in the right way. Baffling, unless you consider other-worldly possibilities like a helicopter or a drone. There are many much simpler explanations than an alien spaceship was reconnoitring Cheam before vanishing into another dimension.

Why does a cold draft need further explanation?

A frequently reported effect of a ghostly presence is suddenly feeling a cold draft. Given that we live in a bloody freezing country fully of poorly insulated homes and we can’t afford to put the heating on, it’s no wonder people suddenly feel chilly for no apparent reason.

Why haven’t aliens made contact?

Some people think extraterrestrial lifeforms won’t visit earth until a point in human history when things have got so bad we need an intervention. But if we aren’t there now with our current mess, how awful does it need to get? Maybe they’ve already been, judged us to be f**ked and pissed off again.