Obsolete drivers ‘will need new outlets for angry self-pity’

THE era of the driverless car means people will have to find other ways of venting their selfish, red-faced fury, it has been claimed.

Experts are concerned that the creation of hi-tech driverless vehicles means millions of humans will have no outlet for their bitter frustration with the world.

Psychologist Wayne Hayes said: “Getting angry with other drivers isn’t really about them failing to indicate, it’s about telling the whole of life to fuck off while safely strapped into an armoured box.

“It may be that road rage is the flimsy fabric of swearing that holds society together.

“So what happens when our roads are full of quietly gliding automated vehicles? One suggestion has been the installation in London of ‘Boris Buckets’ which frustrated ex-drivers could rent by the hour and scream obscenities into. 

“Another idea is to make Stoke-On-Trent into a giant pedal car circuit. They could gesticulate and crash into one another until their bones become too old and fragile.

“Alternately we could weaponise former drivers by telling them that IS plans to introduce traffic calming and 20 zones around the globe.”

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I'm tired of being made to look like a dick by everyone in NATO

Dear Holly,

I’m tired of being made to look like a dick by everyone in NATO. Just because I’m a psychotic narcissistic Russian maniac doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. How can I get my own back without causing a full-scale nuclear holocaust?

Vladimir Putin


Dear Vladimir,

It’s not nice being the odd one out that everyone gangs up on. When everyone else is wearing Hollister and you are in George at Asda then ostracisation is inevitable. This is all the more reason to tell your mum there is proven scientific research that being forced to wear supermarket clothing in childhood is linked to heavy cocaine usage in later life.

Hope that helps,