Men looking for pub toilet act like they know where it is

MEN who cannot find the pub toilet disguise the fact by striding manfully, it has emerged.

Researchers found that men who need to urinate would rather stroll around looking confident while utterly lost than show weakness and ask a regular.

37-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “I have spent nine hours looking for the toilet in an unfamiliar pub.

“You can’t ask anyone because they might sense your vulnerability and kill you, or worse still deliberately direct you to the wrong door which is in fact the cleaner’s cupboard.”

Plumber Tom Booker said: “The important thing is to never look lost.

“If you go to the wrong end of the pub, pull out your phone and pretend to read a text while subtly turning around.

“Remember the toilets may be in a Portakabin, or some other outdoor structure.

“If all else fails, wet yourself and pretend some clown spilled their drink on you.”

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Unretouched photo of Beyonce shows true reptilian form

A LEAKED, undoctored photo of Beyonce shows the singer with a scaly four-legged body and a spiny crest.

The image, which has not been digitally retouched, shows the pop icon’s true physical form which will be virtually unrecognisable to fans.

Celebrity analyst Emma Bradford said: “All the makeup and photoshopping really does make a huge difference, not just in terms of reducing Bey’s thighs and waist but in disguising the fact that she is a quadruped with knobbly green skin and needle-like claws.

“But what’s really shocking in the picture is that she’s clearly got a baggy neck, a bit like Bruce Willis’s in that TV advert.

“She clearly needs a chin lift and also to moisturise more frequently.”

Office worker Tom Booker said: “Wow, the real Beyonce is definitely not as hot in real life. She still has nice eyes though, and great posture.

“Yeah, I would nail that.”