Online freshers' week includes drunken Zoom sex with weird guy from course

UNIVERSITIES’ online freshers weeks will include the traditional session of spontaneous awful sex with a loner bloke from your course but via Zoom. 

New students worried they will miss out on the experience of disastrously banging some strange dude they have only spoken to twice are relieved they will not miss out on this important life milestone.

Grace Wood-Morris, reading history of art, said: “It’s such a fundamental part of the university experience.

“You have a few drinks, you’re completely disoriented by new cicrumstances, you take him back to your room, realise halfway through what a mistake this is, avoid him for the rest of your degree. Classic uni.

“I’ve also booked in to the preceding Zoom session of ‘Dancing to Music You Entirely Hate in the Name of Socialising’, to get the full benefit, and I’m on an interactive walk of shame the following morning.”

Weird older student Ryan Whittaker said: “I’m so glad they’ve managed to fit this in. It’s the only contact I’ll have with a woman in the whole three years.”

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Foreign holiday quickest and easiest way of getting coronavirus test

FLYING to Italy and being given a coronavirus test on arrival is far quicker and easier than trying to get one in the UK, the NHS has advised.

As the UK’s testing service continues to be as shambolic as everything else this government does, doctors have confirmed that visiting a foreign country is the most guaranteed way of getting tested within six months and 1,000 miles of home.

A government spokesman said: “Apparently in Italy they’re offering tests at the airport, which is a great idea if you think about it. We refuse to think about it.

“Instead we’ve outsourced testing to six private companies, and they’ve outsourced it to 34 other private companies, and they’ve outsourced it to a warehouse full of angry chimpanzees.

“They’re doing wacky stuff like sending people on car journeys across seven counties only to find the test centre is closed, but that’s the British sense of humour. You’ve got to laugh!”

Worried UK citizen Nikki Hollis said: “Italy gets a bad rep as being chaotic, but compared to here it’s a well-oiled machine.

“Can I just stay there and not live in Britain ever again? Oh, of course, that other national nightmare has f**ked that up.”