Sunday, 9th May 2021

Online freshers' week includes drunken Zoom sex with weird guy from course

UNIVERSITIES’ online freshers weeks will include the traditional session of spontaneous awful sex with a loner bloke from your course but via Zoom. 

New students worried they will miss out on the experience of disastrously banging some strange dude they have only spoken to twice are relieved they will not miss out on this important life milestone.

Grace Wood-Morris, reading history of art, said: “It’s such a fundamental part of the university experience.

“You have a few drinks, you’re completely disoriented by new cicrumstances, you take him back to your room, realise halfway through what a mistake this is, avoid him for the rest of your degree. Classic uni.

“I’ve also booked in to the preceding Zoom session of ‘Dancing to Music You Entirely Hate in the Name of Socialising’, to get the full benefit, and I’m on an interactive walk of shame the following morning.”

Weird older student Ryan Whittaker said: “I’m so glad they’ve managed to fit this in. It’s the only contact I’ll have with a woman in the whole three years.”