Thursday, 13th May 2021

Nits shagging all over your kids' hair

HEADLICE who spent six months gagging for it are holding a rampant orgy all over your children’s hair.

The lust-crazed lice have been holding open-all-orifices sex parties for a fortnight, confident that parents are too busy worrying about coronavirus to notice their eggs.

Horned-up pediculus humanus capitis Emma Bradford said: “Wash your hands all you like. Worry about that sore throat all day. We’re up here, f**king like champions.

“It is a no-holds-barred shagfest in your darling little ones’ locks. We’re barely stopping to lay eggs before we’re at it again, balls deep, happy in the knowledge the last thing on anyone’s mind are nits.

“Give us a few weeks and there’ll be tens of thousands of us. You’ll come at us with your tea tree oil and your teeny tiny combs but it’ll be useless. You’ll never catch us all.

“Who cares about this new Covid kid on the block? You’ll be washing your hair with Hedrin for the rest of your lives, and it still won’t feel clean.

“Off I go to jump into a mass of feverishly copulating lice, all in your kid’s lovely shiny hair. Oh yeah. I am f**king freestyle, baby.”