Owner of outdated iPhone already in physical pain

AN owner of last year’s iPhone is already feeling shame, humiliation and actual physical pain every time he attempts to use it. 

Account manager Tom Booker, who was proud of his iPhone until today, is now unable to remove it from his pocket without a spike of agony behind his eyes. 

He said: “I used to hold it in my hand, but today I’ve had to put it on the desk because touching its repulsive surface makes my skin crawl. 

“And it’s so slow. I could draw chalk pictures on a slate faster than Instagram updates on this antiquated Victorian rotary-dial telephonic device. 

“Also, and I don’t remember this from yesterday, the black void of the headphone socket ceaselessly whispers that it wants to devour my spirit, which makes it hard to concentrate on work. 

“Aaaah! The home button, it burns! Quick! Throw it in water!”