Paul Daniels to explain to why he didn't magic his finger back on

PAUL Daniels is to explain to the Magic Circle why he did not use conjuring and sorcery to re-attach his severed finger.

The veteran magician is under magical pressure after he chose to rely on the more conventional method of driving to a nearby casualty unit.

By using conventional medicine Daniels is in direct contravention of the rules of the Magic Circle, which state that if a magician cuts a finger off, they must then show the wound to the audience before placing the hand inside a top hat.

The magician should then distract the audience by producing an endless stream of ping-pong balls from his or her mouth, followed by a small explosion, after which the audience is shown the hand complete and unwounded.

Denys Finch-Hatton, Britiain’s Chief Magician, said: “Re-attaching a severed finger is as easy as pulling a ten pence piece from a fat lady’s ear. Daniels has brought magical shame on us all.

“We’d only let him off if the finger-amputation was in fact a classic piece of misdirection, to distract you from another, larger amputation. But it wasn’t.”

Daniels claims he wanted to re-attach the finger using the Mystery Box of Fu Man Chu but was distracted by the sheer quantity of blood which he described as ‘quite a lot’.


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Ban adverts for things that don't always work, say angry people

THINGS that do not always work perfectly should not be advertised on the television, angry people have claimed.

Campaigners say television is full of adverts for unreliable things including cars, cosmetic surgery, ready meals, personal loans, prime ministers and televisions.

Emma Bradford, director of the Angry Consumers Association, said: “I have literally thousands of letters from people who bought something because the advert said it was really good only to discover weeks or months later that the thing was not all that good and that the advert was just trying to get them to buy it.

“Adverts should be restricted to very reliable things like bananas and fire engines and big, heavy stones.”

An NHS spokesman said: “It’s swings and roundabouts. While correcting failed lipo is pricey, research shows that anyone stupid enough to want cosmetic surgery should be encouraged to do so as keeping them off the streets for 24 hours can prevent accidents.”

He added: “Imagine being friends with someone who’s had their lips done. How weird.”

If the campaign is successful then cosmetic surgery clinics will join cigarettes as the other thing that everyone has to pretend is invisible.

Meanwhile, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Morons has called for a compromise and devised a message which cosmetic surgery clinics should display on all publicity that may be seen by the extremely dense.

The message states: “Having your body hacked open and artificial things stuffed into it does carry at least a teensy bit of risk and is not really the same as getting your highlights done.

“If you thought it was then you need a brain transplant, which we do not currently provide.”