People doing PhDs admit it's just an excuse to fanny about

PHD STUDENTS have admitted it is just an excuse to spend another three years arsing about.

Julian Cook, who is currently writing a PhD thesis on the history of tables, said: “I really enjoyed my degree because I only had to do a relatively small amount of work and was able to have a bath during the day without anyone shouting at me.

“When that ended I was naturally very worried that I might have to get an actual job, then somebody suggested doing a PhD.

“It’s great, you think of some nonsense to write a long essay about, preferably involving foreign travel, and then you just go off and knob about for a bit.

“As a bonus, you get to make strangers think you’re clever.”

Mary Fisher is currently doing a PhD in why some dogs are bigger than others. She said: “I love learning because it is far less shit than having a job. Also you get to go in a university library and read all the magazines.

“I’d recommend it to anyone who is clever or has rich parents.”

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Left-wing Londoner pretending to be pleased about Uber ban

A GUARDIAN-reading Londoner is hailing the Uber ban as a victory for worker’s rights despite being secretly pissed off.

31-year-old Tom Booker outwardly rejoiced when the online cab firm lost its license, calling it “a major blow for the corrupt and oppressive gig economy”.

However he is secretly concerned that black cabs are incredibly expensive and is also a bit scared of going on the tube.

Booker said: “Uber is a heartless corporate entity that puts profit above workers’ rights, and threatens the livelihoods of ordinary salt-of-the-earth cabbies.

“That said, next month we’re supposed to be going for a birthday meal at a well-reviewed vegan restaurant in a far-flung London suburb with poor public transport links. I suppose we’ll have to get a cab which will cost fifty fucking quid.

“Not that I mind of course, because black cab drivers have to learn all the street names which takes years of hard graft. Although somebody should probably tell them about sat nav which does make that sort of pointless.”