People who make sickening declarations of love online told to f**k off

PEOPLE who put nauseating statements about their partners on Instagram and Facebook have been told to desist.

Britons have had enough of over-the-top romantic messages full of pukey guff like ‘Heaven sent me a special angel called Becky’ and ‘Niall is my lover, my poet, my warrior’.

Martin Bishop said: “I put a picture of my partner Sarah on Instagram and said how lucky I am to be with this amazing lady who is my sexy, creative, gorgeous wife.

“But when I showed it to my friend Wayne he just said ‘Christ, mate, I nearly barfed on the cat’. Why can’t he share my joy?”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Martin’s managing to both show off about his hot wife and seem like a lovely, affectionate guy. The devious bastard’s really got the options covered.

“Well he can take his ‘magical goddess’ and stick her up his arse. Put it in a fucking card, mate.”

A Facebook spokesperson said: “We are taking steps to remove posts containing icky bullshit like ‘Pete is my hunky hero made of sunshine!’, particularly if they contain the word ‘blessed’.”

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The best musical instruments to be a wanker with

DO you enjoy playing your music to people but never notice how hideously uncomfortable they look? Here are the best instruments for being a musical wanker.


If you’re a woman there’s a strong chance at least one date has ended with a man inviting you back to his house to play their insipid songs for a tediously long time. They may as well just toss off in front of you. Wanker rating: 7


If you expect people to listen to you dick around with a little Casio keyboard with a bossa nova beat – well done, you have reached new levels of self-absorption. However the true music bore needs a big cumbersome keyboard that brings back unpleasant memories of Level 42.

Quite simply it’s the only instrument for musos who want to show off their 18-minute jazz-trance-ambient compositions with titles like Infinities of the Aural Soundscape. Wanker rating: 8


Chances are you’re learning the sax purely because it’s cool, although in your hands it sounds more like painful flatulence. Before you fart out various tracks from your Late Night Sax compilation you should really ask anyone present to sign a consent form. Wanker rating: 6


The instrument of choice for people who also list vintage teacups and Wes Anderson films amongst their interests. Usually used for playing something twee and irritating from the soundtrack of Juno.

You may also be in a hipster ukulele band still doing ‘hilarious’ covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit and Purple Haze six years after everyone lost interest. Wanker rating: 9


If you think people genuinely enjoy listening to you play the bongos you are worryingly delusional. If you play them to embellish a poem you wrote then prison is too good for you. Wanker rating: It goes up to 11