Philae was distracted by female comet landers

THE comet lander ‘Philae’ lost contact with Earth because it was too busy looking at lady comet landers.

The spacecraft initially blamed its seven-month silence on battery failure, but has since admitted that the presence of female vessels in its orbit made it impossible to concentrate on the mission at hand.

Philae said: “When I landed on my comet back in November, I was all ready to knuckle down, work hard spend the next few months doggedly mapping previously unchartered cosmic terrain.

“But then I noticed there were loads of properly fit female comet landers working within just few hundred million miles of me.

“It doesn’t take a genius to guess what happened: I fell in love with them, they fell in love me, and boom: suddenly, there’s sod all work being done because everyone’s banging each other senseless.”

The spacecraft added: “Female comet landers are great, don’t get me wrong, but their tempestuous emotions mean they’ll never be as good at landing on comets as male comet landers.

“They should really leave comet landing to us blokes, and stick to landing on stuff like the ironing or the washing up instead.”

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Popular music goes into reverse

POP music has finished and will now be run backwards, with acid house due to return in 2042 and the Beatles reforming in 2060.

After reaching its natural end on Wednesday, the charts will go in reverse with the current number one by Jason Derulo remaining at the top until replaced by its predecessor, OMI’s Cheerleader.

Music blogger Tom Booker said: “It’s not likely anyone will notice at first, because it’s all the same Autotuned R&B shit, but the nightmarish hellscape of the landfill indie years now lies ahead of us, and few iPods will survive.

“We’ve got B*Witched and the nuclear winter of Bryan Adams’s Everything I Do to get through before the 1980s, when there were at least a few decent records, and if anyone doesn’t like rap expect to see it disappear forever around then.

“It will be weird seeing the Beatles come along as this incredible act of three accomplished songwriters and Ringo before diminishing down to a boyband of four Ringos, but most of us will be senile at that point.

“The pre-60s, full of skiffle bands and Max Bygraves singing I’m A Pink Toothbrush are a toxic legacy we can leave for our children to worry about, like global warming.”