Playing Xbox on YouTube now leading UK industry

THE British economy is now completely dependent on 19-year-olds playing and narrating computer games.

The country biggest stars earn up to £2 million for a single playthrough of The Lego Movie Videogame, and double that for finding all 70 Gold Bricks.

Star~childz~, a YouTube gamer known for the three-minute video I got stuck in the wall, now employs the entire 137,000 population of Peterborough.

He said: “I make it look easy – talking through in-game cutscenes, shooting zombies on the second or third try, spending long difficult patches of the game breathing heavily and saying only ‘Um’.

“But in reality I need a team of writers, IT, a film editing team, a catering staff and obviously interns to actually play the games.”

Business secretary Vince Cable said: “At some point a little bit of the money trickles down to the agriculture industry, manufacturing, police, all that other stuff.

“The survival of the country depends on nobody getting bored of watching games over a shoulder all night like a little brother.”

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Tories target ordinary working bastards

THE Conservatives are to reach out to Britain’s everyday bastard-in-the-street.

The party said it was no longer simply about serving the privately educated castle-owning bastard elite but also looking out for the ordinary working bastard.

A spokesman said: “Everywhere you go in Britain, you encounter bastards. Petty sadists, fuelled by envy and resentment, who despise the poor, the sick and the needy.

“Big bastards, little bastards, thin bastards and fat bastards. A wonderful nation of bastards.

“Bastards who would like to see the workhouse brought back, as long as the gruel wasn’t too tasty.

“Our message to bastards is – we hear you, and we are working on it. You are the future.”

The party unveiled an array of bastard-friendly policies including a ban on being disabled, the death penalty for anyone turning a car in anyone else’s drive and the right to push people over in the street if you are in a hurry.

Donna Sheridan, a 64-year-old lady bastard, said: “I do like that Iain Duncan Smith. His tiny black eyes appeal to me.”