Pluto threatens to kick shit out of NASA probe

NASA’S New Horizons probe has narrowly avoided a fight with the smallest and most aggressive planet.

Pluto threatened to “bang out” the spacecraft as it hurtled within 12,500km of the hostile, chippy little world.

Pluto said: “If you come flying at me, I’m going to take action. This is a locals only galaxy.

“You come here taking pictures, chatting shit, acting like you’re all that, you can’t expect nothing else. We don’t want shiny metallic things here.

“I don’t know who fucking NASA are and I don’t give a shit neither.”

Mission controllers said the probe defused the situation by pretending to be lost and apologising profusely while retreating.

A NASA spokesman said: “Pluto is a nasty little bastard. It’s not as hard as it thinks it is but it’s still pretty hard.”

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Harper Lee's third book is racy technothriller

THE third manuscript by octogenarian Harper Lee is a fast-paced thriller about a heist on the Chinese stock exchange, it has emerged.

Shenzhen Solitaire follows a gang’s attempt to make ¥254 billion by stealing seventeen seconds of business on the SZSE using stolen US Treasury bitcoins and the best hacker in the world.

Lee’s lawyer Eleanor Shaw said: “This third book, improbably found in an umbrella stand, teams a former Israeli commando, a tough but beautiful Japanese mathematician and Danish computer genius Lars Nielsen for the sting of a lifetime.

“The lengthy, explicit sex scenes, the reams of exposition about how computerised money markets function and the gun battle at the airport are all new territory, but Miss Lee felt she’d done all she could with the whole small town racism thing.”

Written in 1966, the book is set in the present day with all technological and cultural developments accurately predicted using simple Southern good sense and extrapolation.

Further Lee manuscripts found used as insulation and in the pocket of an old coat include self-help book KillIing The Mockingbird Within, Safe Bondage for Alabama Lovers and a Star Wars Extended Universe novel set in the Old Republic era.