Greek economy wired to bombs

GREECE has been fitted with explosives that will detonate if growth dips below two per cent of GDP.

The bombs, which are a key condition of the new bailout terms, are wired to every financial institution, asset and individual. 

Prime minister Alexis Tsipras, speaking with an epidermal explosive device clearly visible under his white shirt, said: “The Troika demanded certain… guarantees. 

“As long as inflation stays close to zero, the bailout payments are met as scheduled and growth rises as forecast, I am assured that nobody has to die. 

“It is important that nobody panics. Just keep working. 

“Also, it would be best if you did not attempt to vote. Apparently they’re sensitive to that.”

Tsipras will today attempt to push new austerity plans through parliament, which now features a 50-megaton nuclear bomb as an “attention-focusing centrepiece”.

When advised that detonation would trigger a supervolcano eruption blanketing the planet in ash and causing an ice age, German finance minister Wolfgang Schauble replied that he was satisfied there was no risk of Eurozone contagion. 

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Nobody sure why wedding guest is wearing a kilt

WEDDING guests have drawn a blank on why one of their number is wearing a kilt.

Male attendees at the event are all in trousers apart from 38-year-old Wayne Hayes, who may be making some obscure statement about his distant Scottish ancestry.

Father of the bride Norman Steele said: “I’ve known Wayne for years, and I’m fairly sure his family are from Birmingham.

“He certainly doesn’t seem Scottish in his speech or demeanour. Maybe there’s a connection but it must be pretty obscure.

“I think he just wants everyone to see his calves.”

Guest Mary Fisher said: “Most probably he just really likes Highlander or Braveheart or another popular ‘kilt action’ movie. Or it’s just a plaid skirt and he’s a subtle cross-dresser.

“Although I think there’s an obscure law that for a wedding to be legally binding there must be a man present who is wearing a kilt for no apparent reason.”