Private electricity makes your telly work better, claim Tories

THE Conservatives have claimed that without private electricity, Britain’s flatscreen televisions would still be showing the test card. 

Labour’s pledges to renationalise energy have been criticised by Tories who say this would lead to 1970s-style television shutdowns with only a girl with a blackboard and clown doll to watch.

Energy secretary Greg Clark said: “Younger people won’t remember how bad the old public electricity was, how crackly and grey.

“You couldn’t run a toaster on it without banging on the wall to ask the neighbours if they’d finished using theirs, and it smelled funny like burning fish.

“Yet that is the low-grade electricity Labour want to return us to, electricity so bad it left children watching a black-and-white clock thing for half-an-hour before Tales Of The Riverbank started.

“Forget running your 60-inch TV on it. There’d be one tiny five-inch picture in the corner of the screen, black-and-white, and if you tried to binge-watch it’d blow up.”

55-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve been a Labour supporter all my life, but they can’t be fucking with my telly. Not my telly.”

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Toughest thing about marriage is when wife scrapes car, confirm husbands

MEN have agreed that marriage takes work, that it is a marathon not a sprint, and the toughest part is when the wife scrapes the car again. 

Husbands across Britain acknowledged that the challenges of lifelong partnership are outweighed by the rewards, except paying body shops £500 a fucking month because the wife drives like a an arse.

Nathan Muir, from Coventry, said: “Seriously. Again?

“The same fucking post in the same fucking driveway? It’s not moved. It doesn’t hop about. It’s exactly where it was when she scraped it last month.

“And the hardest bit, the real struggle, is she comes in all in tears and I’m hugging her and saying ‘What’s wrong love?’ and then she tells me and I’m just thinking ‘for fuck’s sake’.

“We’ve got kids, we’ve got a mortgage, we still have a surprisingly good sex life. It’s only when she scrapes the car I want to leave it all behind and become a deep-sea fisherman.”

Wife Sandra Muir said: “Is he still talking about that? He knows how much it upset me.”