Relaxation app needs to chill the f**k out

A SMARTPHONE relaxation app really needs to take a f**king chill pill, users have confirmed. 

The app, downloaded by millions worldwide, cannot just let users get on with their lives for ten minutes without getting in their faces reminding them to meditate or throwing up some quote from the Dalai bloody Lama.

Chef Francesca Johnson said: “I used it for a bit, but when I fell out of the habit it started bombarding me with these passive-aggressive push notifications telling me to stroke a leaf when I’m in the middle of firing someone.

“Now all day long it’s making me dig my phone out for some f**king Zen koan or invitation to centre myself while I’m busy doing sh*t it wouldn’t approve of, like working.

“It actually woke me up at 4am last night to say that poor sleep can have serious health consequences. I feel like I’m being bullied by the ghost of a yoga teacher.”

Johnson confirmed she is having similar issues with a Portugese learning app which has called her a cabra every day since she stopped opening it a month ago.

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No pressure but Freshers' Week must be best week of your life, students told

FIRST-YEAR students have been told to settle in, take things easily and to have the best week of their whole lives or there is something wrong with them. 

Freshers around the UK have been warned that the next seven days should be a non-stop hedonistic thrillride in which they make lifelong friends or their entire investment in university is wasted and they should give up.

University vice-chancellor Susan Traherne said: “Everybody loves Freshers’ Week. It is compulsory.

“Forcing confused, impressionable and horny teenagers living away from home for the first time to spend a full week blitzed on cheap booze is a tradition that is in no way damaging or dangerous.

“Every minute a fresher isn’t downing a filthy combination of spirits while in fancy dress they are damaging their future social status irrevocably. How do they think you get a job in the City?”

Emma Bradford, aged 19, said: “It’s absolutely, definitely the best week of my life and the group of 13 strangers I live with are now all my best mates.

“I definitely didn’t get in at 5am last night and secretly write an essay on Chaucer just to try and remember who I am.”