Monday, 10th May 2021

Relaxation app needs to chill the f**k out

A SMARTPHONE relaxation app really needs to take a f**king chill pill, users have confirmed. 

The app, downloaded by millions worldwide, cannot just let users get on with their lives for ten minutes without getting in their faces reminding them to meditate or throwing up some quote from the Dalai bloody Lama.

Chef Francesca Johnson said: “I used it for a bit, but when I fell out of the habit it started bombarding me with these passive-aggressive push notifications telling me to stroke a leaf when I’m in the middle of firing someone.

“Now all day long it’s making me dig my phone out for some f**king Zen koan or invitation to centre myself while I’m busy doing sh*t it wouldn’t approve of, like working.

“It actually woke me up at 4am last night to say that poor sleep can have serious health consequences. I feel like I’m being bullied by the ghost of a yoga teacher.”

Johnson confirmed she is having similar issues with a Portugese learning app which has called her a cabra every day since she stopped opening it a month ago.