Relief as dads take charge of UK's cybersecurity

BRITAIN’S technologically challenged fathers believe they are dealing with the threat of more cyber-attacks.

Dads have been taking measures that are unlikely to protect against ransomware but do make them feel like the rugged hero of an exciting techno-thriller.

Nikki Hollis, 15, said: “Dad has put all our computers in the spare room with a homemade sign on the door saying ‘QUARANTINE ZONE – NO ENTRY!’.

“I explained it’s just old computers that are affected, but he said hackers are ‘probing our cyber-defences 24/7’.

“I asked if I could have my iPad back but apparently he’s still ‘monitoring the situation’. He makes it sound like he’s liaising with GCHQ but he’s actually just watching ITV News.”

Teenager Wayne Hayes said: “Dad downloaded all sorts of random anti-virus software onto the family computer that made it run so slowly it may as well have been fished out of a river.

“At one point he said ‘Shields up!’. Then the computer crashed and it took me three hours to uninstall all this shit.”

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Hunt jealous of hackers who were able to cripple NHS in just 20 minutes

JEREMY Hunt is bitterly jealous of the cyber attackers who brought the NHS to its knees.

The health secretary has worked tirelessly for four years to try to eradicate the NHS, using methods such as cuts, mathematically impossible promises to the public and the alienation of an entire generation of junior doctors.

However, the computer virus, which hit the operating systems of several NHS trusts, was able to bring Hunt’s vision to life in less than an hour as ill people were turned away from hospitals.

An insider revealed: “At first Jeremy was delighted but then realised he was being shown up by some anonymous hackers. He actually kicked a bin at one point.”

Conservative MPs now want to use hacking as a simple way to to unravel comprehensive education, reliable public transport and foreign aid.

A spokesman said: “It’s more ‘state of the art’ than just cutting budgets.”