Remainers getting DNA-tested to prove they're not English

SALES of home DNA tests have spiked as Remainers desperately try to prove they are not in any way English. 

As their country spirals into becoming just one big Tory constituency, Remainers with no other options left are hoping to at least find that 20 per cent of their ancestry is untainted by Englishness.

35-year-old Nikki Hollis of Reading said: “My whole immediate family are definitely English, which is just mortifying.

“But I vaguely remember talk of a great aunt who was married to a Greek man, and there was definitely some sort of link to Ireland at some point. So I’ve got to give it a try.

“It’s cost me £199, but I’m desperately chasing any sort of non-white heritage to set me apart from all the barking Brexiters I work with. And, if possible, my dad.

“Ideally I’ll find something exotic but honestly I’d be happy with a bit of Welsh or Scottish at this point, just something to separate me from this damn country.”

Hollis added that she had no problem giving her DNA to a company building a private database and could see no possible nightmarish dystopian outcomes from doing so.

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The middle-aged person's guide to giving up on new music

MIDDLE-aged? Haven’t liked any new bands since the Kings of Leon? Here are some ways to convince yourself you’re not past it yet: 


Did you once get through the whole of Big for Your Boots because you were washing up and didn’t want to touch the radio with wet hands? You are into Stormzy. Also claim to be ‘exploring the South Korean electronica scene’ because your two-year-old plays Baby Shark.

Compare good old music with bad new music

Confirm your opinion that all new music is bad with unfair comparisons eg. ‘Harry Styles? He’s no Led Zeppelin.’ Don’t let it concern you that this is like when your old music teacher negatively compared Flowered Up’s Weekender to the complete works of Mozart.

Say you stream music 

This implies you have an active Spotify account and are constantly clicking the Release Radar playlist, neatly obscuring that you actually mean ‘watching old Elastica videos on YouTube’.

Find friends with even more limited tastes

Seek out music obsessives who refuse to listen to anything except The Jam, or more tragically Fields of the Nephilim. When you casually mention you’ve been listening to hot new acts like The Streets and Radiohead you’ll feel really cutting-edge and young.

Make up your own bands

If a young person asks what music you’re into, just make something up, eg The Jetset Willys. If they ask to listen to them, play them a bit of Butthole Surfers. They’ll never know.

Reassure yourself you’re not your dad

Because you’re really not. You do at least like music, unlike your dad with his one Acker Bilk tape he chiefly enjoyed because he was impressed with himself for having a tape deck in the car.