THE Church of England has stated that sexual intercourse belongs in unmarried male homosexual hook-ups only.
Bishops have clarified that heterosexual relations, in and out of marriage, and lesbian sex ‘fall short of God’s purpose for humans’ and only guys having no-strings Grindr encounters truly please Him.
The Rev Joseph Turner said: “The Almighty didn’t approve of it in the Garden of Eden. Why would He change his mind?
“And two women together? Millennia of theological study has been unable to puzzle out how that could work.
“But a couple of oiled-up Muscle Marys on poppers? That pleases Him and mightily so. Everyone knows it’s only blokes who really enjoy sex anyway.
“The official position of the Church is that it is all about the cock.”