Saturday, 26th September 2020

Six fun things to do with your Brexit 50p

THE most tangible benefit of Brexit hits Britain this week in the form of three million Brexit 50p coins. But what will you do with yours? 

Flip it
Make arbitary decisions even more fun by flipping a coin like you’re Batman villain Two-Face; heads, we’re all about to become unemployed on the whim of fishermen, tails we’ll all lose our jobs to benefit City bankers. 

Hoard it
Brexit is happening, it will be as Brexity as Brexit can be, and Brexiters have won. But their permanent sense of aggrieved victimhood means they’ll hoard as if liberal elites are coming to take them away. Huge stashes will hit eBay in about ten years, when they’re all dead. 

Sharpen your sense of irony
What could be more British than savage, delicious irony? And what could be more ironic than a coin bearing the words ‘Peace and prosperity and friendship with all nations’ to commemorate economic ruin caused by telling our nearest neighbours to f*ck off? 

Place it over your heart
Brexiters spend 14 out of every 16 waking hours obsessing about the war and all have a story about their great-grandfather’s life being saved by an object that stopped a bullet. Keep your Brexit 50p there and it will save you in the upcoming UK-EU conflict. Except all the teenage soldiers trained on Call of Duty and only do headshots. 

Cry about it
Over the last three years, the point of Brexit has changed from ‘not sure really’ to ‘winding Remainers up’. This coin only exists so Brexiters can imagine liberals getting one in their change and bursting into tears. So start weeping. 

Spend it
Thought to be the most popular option, most Britons are expected to get a Brexit 50p in their change, say ‘Oh, it’s one of them Brexit ones’ and then put it in a vending machine to buy crisps. Because that’s what coins are for.