Thursday, 15th April 2021

'It sounds completely insane, but I genuinely like my kids'

OTHER parents seem to be suspicious of me because I genuinely like spending time with my children and don’t moan about them in a ‘comedy’ passive-aggressive way.

While I fully acknowledge they are often little d*ckheads, they are also fun company because they are essentially short clowns without an excess of emotional baggage.

However, a lot of other parents bang on about what an expensive nuisance their kids are, as if they had been tricked into living with several small helpless beings, rather than actively choosing it because they wanted to post hundreds of smug pregnancy photos on Facebook.

The worst ones are those who spend too much time reading parenting blogs that basically tell them that having kids is a great reason for drinking sh*tloads and feeling sorry for yourself. I can do that without an excuse.

Then there are the parents that are in constant competition over who is having the worst time, who is the most knackered and whose kid did the most projectile vomit over their JoJo Maman Bébé pashmina.

If you’re going to spend a lot of time with what are basically slightly advanced chimpanzees, you should be like me and choose to enjoy it.

The fact that I’m also a member of the Flat Earth Society and have fascinating conversations with a can of tomato soup is entirely coincidental.