Genius boyfriend lays groundwork for forgetting Valentine's Day

A GENIUS is preparing his girlfriend for disappointment this Valentine’s Day, it has been confirmed.

In the run up to February 14th, Martin Bishop has been lowering his girlfriend’s romantic expectations by pretending to be oblivious to the big day.

Bishop said: “I just said I was going to the pub with the lads that night and she didn’t say a word for the rest of the evening. Home and dry.

“Valentine’s Day is so silly anyway. You can make big romantic gestures on any day of the year. And everyone knows it was invented by Paperchase to make money. I’m not forking out £3.50 for a greetings card that could lead to nothing more than sex.”

Bishop’s girlfriend Donna Sheridan said: “Knowing Martin this is probably a clever bluff and he’s got something big planned. If not, I won’t feel so guilty about all of my affairs.”

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Nation united in telling January to f*ck right off 

BRITAIN has agreed that January can f*ck right off. 

The Institute for Studies found that Leave or Remain, Tory or Labour, sane or rational human beings, everyone have arrived at a consensus that the first month of the year can do one.

Professor Henry Brubaker said, “January is like turning 31. F*ck all to celebrate and just the beginning of another long hard slog.

“If we could just skip to February that would be great but then February would be just as cold and pointless as January so what we really need is some kind of weather/time machine.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage added: “I love January. But I also like Coldplay and Michael Bay films so you should ignore me completely.”