Research confirms link between blob of ice cream on floor and child losing its shit

SCIENTISTS have confirmed a link between a blob of delicious ice cream on a floor and a small child that has gone completely mental.

Research by the Institute for Studies revealed that very loud crying began within seconds of the vanilla ice cream landing on the floor in close proximity to the child that is having an epic meltdown.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “He is definitely losing his shit and pointing at the ice cream. But as this is a scientific experiment, we have to simply observe and cannot get involved.

“Also, we are busy eating ice cream just a few feet away while making loud, appreciative noises about how delicious it is.

“This does not seem to help the child in any way. If anything it has made him lose his shit even more intensely.

“It really is delicious. I’m not surprised he’s so incredibly upset.”

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Stoke to become UK’s biggest Wetherspoons

THE city of Stoke-on-Trent is to become the UK’s largest branch of Wetherspoons, it has been announced.

Wetherspoons chairman Tim Martin used his small face to announce the first of what he has termed ‘Megaspoons’, seating up to 200,000 desperate, cash-strapped punters.

The dream of the first ‘Megaspoons’ became a reality when Martin bought up the entire city of Stoke-on-Trent, which is only six towns anyway, for £500,000 earlier this year.

It is understood that the citizens of Stoke who accepted their share of the Wetherspoons windfall are now looking to cash in and retire to Darlington.

Martin said other towns due to become Megaspoons over the next five years include Carlisle Workington, Gillingham, Mansfield, Clacton-On-Sea, Newport and Swindon.