Reverse psychology fails to work on broken zip

PRETENDING you are not bothered about a zip being stuck on a jacket fails to fix it, research has confirmed.

The Institute of Studies found that, despite working on other things, such as idiot colleagues, reverse psychology failed to work on zips.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You could try reverse psychology on a zip by saying ‘Oh, that’s just fine. I didn’t want to zip up my coat anyway’ and then give it 10 minutes.

“But we found in all cases that after 10 minutes the zip was still fucked.”

Other things which failed to respond to reverse psychology include satnavs, vegetarian dinner guests and the police.

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Man suddenly realises he's been sucking his stomach in for eight years


A MAN has suddenly realised he has been overweight for at least eight years.

Tom Booker initially held in his gut for a security pass photo on the first day of a new job, then continued sucking it in as he was introduced to an attractive female colleague. His belly has remained pulled towards his organs ever since.

Booker’s deception has continued through two prime ministers, two European championships and a World Cup.

He said: “I’m not massively fat, but if I release it now it’s going to raise a lot of questions. Particularly from my wife, who I met in 2014 and married last year.

“It can be unhelpful in situations where I would be obliged to suck it in further, like squeezing past someone on the train, but most of the time it’s OK. I guess I just created a very convenient and convincing delusion.

“I think I’ll keep doing it though. Health clubs are expensive and exercise is both stupid and difficult.”