Sausages 'kick the shit' out of burgers

SAUSAGES are far better than burgers, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that although drab men who think they are discerning continue to bang on about burgers, they are shit compared to sausages.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Unlike burgers, which are all fundamentally the same, sausages come in a pleasing variety of flavours and do not have to be eaten stuffed into a massive bread roll.

“Modern fancy burgers are for self-conscious corporate drones who talk about ‘dirty food’ like they’re slumming it by not having some fancy tasting menu.

“Nobody puts sausages on a pedestal, but sausages don’t care because they have integrity. However if sausages were more ‘American’ everyone would be wanking off about them.”

He added: “You know ‘mac ’n’ cheese’? That’s actually just macaroni cheese. It’s not great, if you’re honest.”


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Exes so lucky to have amazing fake friendship

AN EX-COUPLE feel blessed to still have an incredible pretend friendship.

34-year-old Wayne Hayes went out with Emma Bradford for eight years before suddenly deciding to move to Ipswich on his own, although he still describes her as ‘the most amazing person I’ve ever met’.

He said: “Although I broke her heart, then changed my mind and became obsessively jealous after she quickly got engaged to my ex-boss, we have such a cool friendship.

“It’s not like we just tolerate each other because we have the same friendship group. I often go to her flat, mostly when she’s there but also sometimes on my own just to stand outside crying.”

Bradford said: “Wayne is like a brother to me. The sort of cool fun brother who wasted eight years of my life before deciding he wanted to ‘focus on his career’ and moving his stuff out while I was at work.

“That’s a joke by the way! Look we’re hugging, it’s great.”

Hayes added: “Her new bloke is great too, sometimes me and him go for pints. It’s a shame his eyes are so close together so that he is practically a cyclops, and their babies will look really weird.

“I’m sure they’ll be happy anyway because that’s definitely what I want.”