Scientists baffled by lifelong smoker who still can't make decent rollie

SCIENTISTS are baffled by a man who has been smoking for over 40 years but still can’t make a roll-up that doesn’t look like a dog’s hind leg.

Martin Bishop of Stevenage made several attempts at a roll-up at the Institute for Studies, with each of them having to be torn open and re-rolled before they could be smoked.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When he told us he had been smoking Golden Virginia for over four decades we assumed he would be able to make a passable rollie.

Instead he seemed to make several small, bizarre works of modern art, none of which could ever realistically be smoked.

“It could be connected to the part of the brain that knows smoking is pretty disgusting and so is actually trying to self-sabotage the smoking process.”

However Martin Bishop said: “I’m a naturally confident guy, I don’t feel the need to impress friends and business contacts with perfect rollies. That’s for students and people with those idiotic rolling machines.

“I just scrunch some baccy into a wrinkled old paper, stick in my mouth and ignite it. Bliss.”

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Arsenal fan respectfully asks Wenger to f**k off

AN ARSENAL fan who will never forget what Arsene Wenger achieved for the club has asked him to please fuck off, sir.

Wayne Hayes told the manager that the 2002 Double was the greatest moment of his life, that there should be an Invincibles statue outside the Emirates, and that he must leave the club immediately and never come back.

He continued: “Arsene, you’re a hero to me, and it is with the utmost reverence that I ask you to get the fuck out of my club.

“You made Arsenal the success I’d always dreamed they could be including our first Champions League final in 2006, 11 years ago, since which you have achieved bugger all.

“It would be a fitting send-off for you to stay until you won one final FA Cup, but we can’t afford that. There’ll be nothing left.

“I salute you sir, you are forever an Arsenal legend. You useless, useless wanker.”