Self-employed builder just glad he's cash only

A SELF-EMPLOYED builder would face a significant tax increase if he didn’t always ask customers for cash.

49-year-old Roy Hobbs earns £37,000 per year, or just under £8,100 according to his tax return.

He said: “Thanks to bloody Hammond, ordinary hard-working blokes like me will have to pay more national insurance on the small proportion of our income that we actually declare.

“As if we weren’t already under enough pressure from middle class idiots who want us to stop drinking unpleasantly strong tea and get on with building their vanity-led house extensions.

“Luckily most of my earnings are in the glove box of the van, tied up in thick dusty bundles with rubber bands.”

Guardian reader Julian Cook said: “As a staunch believer in the welfare state I felt a pang of remorse when our builder – whom I call simply ‘the builder’ – asked for cash payment.

“But when he said it was because ‘the Tories are bastards’ I felt obliged to hand it over. Also I am scared of him.”

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Average family pissed off with everyone asking what the budget means for them

AN AVERAGE family with two children has told the media to get its nose out of their personal finances. 

Joe and Laura Turner of Reading say this happens every year at this time, that what they and children Sarah and Andrew spend their money on is up to them, and asked if everyone can leave them alone. 

Joe continued: “Every bloody March. ‘What you spending on petrol, Joe?’, ‘How big’s your mortgage?, ‘How much beer do you put away every week, oh and what about the wife’s gin?’

“Just because I make Britain’s median salary of £26,500, have two school-age children and drive a blue Ford Focus, they think I don’t deserve a private life. 

“Go ask her next door, she’s got two kids. Alright she’s divorced, but that’s hardly unusual these days is it?

“Stop asking how many takeaways a month I have. It’s none of your fucking business.” 

The chancellor said: “Duty on cigarettes goes up to £4.05 on a packet of 20, meaning an extra £21.84 for Joe Turner of Reading who secretly smokes without telling his wife.”