International Women's Day celebrated by brands that hate women

CORPORATIONS that hate and fear women have wished them a happy International Women’s Day.

Companies that sell their products by making women deeply paranoid about having fat arses and wrinkly skin have given a big ‘shout out’ to all the ‘real women out there’.

Diet company boss Nathan Muir tweeted: “Great to see women being celebrated for their awesomeness rather than just having their neuroses preyed upon for marketing purposes.

“And what better day to start shedding a few pounds so you don’t look like a munter on your beach holiday. #radicalthinspiration.”

Fashion magazine editor Emma Bradford said: “International Women’s Day is a chance for us to take a break from psychologically undermining women in the most devious manner, so that they have to ‘fix’ themselves with ‘prion-packed face cream’ and weird handbags with teddies on them.

“Also it’s cool that the day has its roots in a demonstration by Russian garment workers. Because what better way to celebrate an outpuring of radical dissent than by buying a bang-on-trend skirt from our website?

“Type ‘feminism’ in the voucher box for a 10 per cent discount.”

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Lazy slacker scumbag only working hours specified in his contract

A MAN is loathed by his colleagues for not working regular extra hours for no money.

Accounts assistant Tom Booker is considered a bone idle waster because he turns up at nine and goes home at 5.30pm, like it says in the contract he signed when offered the job.

HR manager Mary Fisher said: “That guy just takes the piss, coming in here at the correct time, having an hour for lunch as specified on page two of his contract and then leaving at the exact time stated in the ‘Hours of Work’ section on page three.

“It’s almost as if he considers that contract to be some sort of legally-binding agreement rather that a worthless scrap of paper to be disregarded if the company wants more of your time and energy without paying for it.

“We all stay late most days, because our lives are governed by fear. How dare he have some basic integrity.”

Booker said: “I just go in and I do the work and then I go.

“Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t even think about my job after I get home.”