Scientists discover soft Southern caveman


RESEARCHERS have found the fossilised remains of a Southern caveman who lived in a fancy cave eating dinosaur sushi.

Scientists digging near Surrey found expensive bear-bone furniture and other flashy prehistoric goods that suggest Homo Ponceus was affluent but useless at hunting.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Even four billion years ago, a cave in the South of England cost a hell of a lot more than a cave in the North, and Southern cavemen’s lifestyles reflected this.

A bed in this Southern caveman’s cave would have set you back a fortune in shiny pebbles and bear pelts.

“It’s hard to know exactly how he could afford it, probably he ran an annoying firm that made drinks out of berries called something like ‘CaveHugs’.

“While having Homo Ponceus was having dinner parties with his dickhead pre-Tory mates, Northern cavemen, who all looked identical to Sean Bean, were daubing mud onto their gaping wounds and battling sabre toothed tigers.”