Scientists In Race To Discover Particle No-One Else Cares About

EUROPEAN and American scientists are locked in a thrilling neck and neck race to discover a profoundly important particle that no-one else cares about in the slightest.

Experts say the Higgs boson, also known as the ‘God Particle’ in a failed bid to make it interesting, could hold the answers to the universe but not to why banks have got £500bn of taxpayers’ money but still can’t lend any of it.

US team leader Dr Bill McKay said: “I’m not sure what we’ll do when we find it. Personally, I think we should paint it.”

But the European team based at the Cern institute in Switzerland insist the particle is absolutely fascinating and has hired scriptwriters from hit US drama The Wire to help them describe it to the public.

Professor Stephen Malley said: “A Higgs boson, Jimmy. It’s the shit that happens while you wait for moments that never come.”

He added: “Bitches, I asks you, how fucked up is that?”

But Julian Cook, an unemployed marketing director from Swindon, said: “Can I get a job selling this Higgs Particle?

“Who is is your typical Higgs Particle buyer? What colours does it come in? How much does it cost? Will it make my cock bigger?”

Tom Booker, an unemployed graphic designer from Guildford, added: “Will the Higgs Particle do any of the following? (a) bring world peace, (b) create limitless amounts of clean energy, (c) cure cancer, or (d) make my cock bigger?

“If it’s none of those things then I am going to need you to shut up about it.”


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Former MI5 Chief Finally Gets It

THE former head of MI5 last night finally twigged that thing the rest of us realised about seven years ago.

Dame Stella Rimington said the government was exploiting the public's fear of terrorism to restrict civil liberties, before pointing out that Top of the Pops isn't on anymore either.

She told a Spanish newspaper: "I was having a cup of tea and a scone when it suddenly occurred to me – all these things they're doing might not be about terrorism after all.

"Maybe, right, they're just trying to scare us, yeah?… so we'll let them take away our freedom, yeah?… all the while believing that it's really for our own good… d'you see?

"Then it all just totally clicked into place. Introducing ID cards will do nothing to stop bombs. Giving the police the power to arrest you because you have a beard will do nothing to stop bombs.

"Restricting freedom of speech and locking up brown people without trial will do nothing to stop bombs.

"And what the bloody hell's happened to Top of the Pops?"

Dame Stella added: "Admittedly it might have been better if I'd realised all of this a tad earlier. But not to worry, now that I'm just an ordinary citizen I can really do something about it."