EUROPEAN and American scientists are locked in a thrilling neck and neck race to discover a profoundly important particle that no-one else cares about in the slightest.
Experts say the Higgs boson, also known as the ‘God Particle’ in a failed bid to make it interesting, could hold the answers to the universe but not to why banks have got £500bn of taxpayers’ money but still can’t lend any of it.
US team leader Dr Bill McKay said: “I’m not sure what we’ll do when we find it. Personally, I think we should paint it.”
But the European team based at the Cern institute in Switzerland insist the particle is absolutely fascinating and has hired scriptwriters from hit US drama The Wire to help them describe it to the public.
Professor Stephen Malley said: “A Higgs boson, Jimmy. It’s the shit that happens while you wait for moments that never come.”
He added: “Bitches, I asks you, how fucked up is that?”
But Julian Cook, an unemployed marketing director from Swindon, said: “Can I get a job selling this Higgs Particle?
“Who is is your typical Higgs Particle buyer? What colours does it come in? How much does it cost? Will it make my cock bigger?”
Tom Booker, an unemployed graphic designer from Guildford, added: “Will the Higgs Particle do any of the following? (a) bring world peace, (b) create limitless amounts of clean energy, (c) cure cancer, or (d) make my cock bigger?
“If it’s none of those things then I am going to need you to shut up about it.”