Scientists Lose Giant Nothingness

SCIENTISTS who discovered a giant nothingness in the heart of the universe last night said they had lost it again after it “just vanished into thin air”.

Professor Ed Bickton, head of astronomy at Dundee University, said he had taken the enormous void home after discovering it because he “wanted to keep a close eye on it”.

He had kept it with him in the lounge until he went to bed at which point he had put the massive nullity on the side in the kitchen.

However, when he got up the next day for breakfast he discovered that the side was empty and that all of the nothing had completely disappeared.

Prof Bickton said: “At first I thought the cat might have got it and dragged it onto the floor, or into his basket. But after a good look round I realised it was nowhere to be seen.”

The professor said he had searched “high and low” for the nothing, which he described as a huge absence of something containing more emptiness and vacuity than East Kilbride and Milton Keynes combined.

He suspects the void may have been stolen by rival scientists who were annoyed at the fact he had found a nothing when all they could discover were somethings.

And he appealed to anyone in the area who had spotted someone acting suspiciously while carrying what did not appear to be anything to contact the police immediately.

Inspector Bill McKay of Dundee police said he had received reports that an enormous hole had appeared where Arbroath used to be. “My men are looking into it,” he said.

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Diana Tribute: Millions Unite To Spell Out 'We Miss You' In Gigantic Letters

BRITAIN is being urged to come together to spell out "we miss you" in letters so huge that Princess Diana will be able to read it in heaven.

The 'Big Message' is being co-odinated by the Cabinet Office in conjunction with the Daily Express, OK! magazine and LivingTV's Most Haunted.

Justin Toper, the Express astrologer, has confirmed that Diana will be able to see the message from her villa in heaven, while the size of the letters has been calculated by former Tomorrow's World presenter Philippa Forrester.

The message will begin in the Lake District and skirt along the western edge of the Pennines before descending through the Midlands and into the South East.

The emotional tribute will end with a 45-mile-long exclamation mark running from Maidstone to Horsham.

To ensure maximum visibility every volunteer will be given a bright yellow tracksuit and baseball cap sponsored by one of Diana's favourite charities, the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.

A Big Message spokesman said: "We've gone for jolly, playful lettering to reflect that side of the Princess's character.

"Diana liked nothing more than shopping in Knightsbridge, having a light lunch with a close friend and then phoning the Daily Mail and accusing Prince Philip of trying to kill her."

Prime minister Gordon Brown, Tory leader David Cameron and Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams have already pledged their support.

The Prime Minister said: "This is a once in a generation opportunity for this country to come together and send a message to heaven. This will be Britain's Apollo programme."

Mr Brown is expected to travel to Matlock in Derbyshire where he will join the bottom half of the letter 'I'.