THE Duchess of Cornwall has offered to cuddle an AIDS baby in public if it will prevent her being dragged through the streets by a blood-thirsty mob.
The last ditch offer comes as mob leaders called for Camilla's surrender so they could drag her by the hair from Clarence House to Diana's favourite restaurant in Knightsbridge and then set fire to her.
The mob, including Gordon Brown, David Cameron and the Archbishop of Canterbury, dismissed Camilla's offer to stay away from the Diana memorial service, insisting that only her fiery death could give them comfort.
A spokesman for Camilla said: "What more can she do? She has already cancelled her visit to the Henri Paul memorial service and offered to wear a Diana mask at all future public engagements.
"She has even promised to sell her white Fiat Uno, and she really loves that car. It's a good little runner despite being dinged by a Merc a few years back."
But Conservative leader David Cameron said: "Look, I'm not going to pretend this isn't a difficult issue, but I do believe, very strongly, that the public execution of the Duchess of Cornwall will help the country to move on."
Archbishop Rowan Williams added: "She don't care nothin' for Diana. She finks she's queen already. We're all down here crying 'cause of it bein' 10 years since everythin' and she's just havin' a laugh. I'd set fire to her and I know that Jesus would totally up for it."
Prince Charles expressed regret at the furore surrounding his wife before flying to Austria to look at a range of possible replacements.