Scientists pledge to deliver zombie apocalypse by March 29th

SCIENTISTS have vowed to work around the clock to bring about a zombie apocalypse by the end of March.

The experts have set themselves a strict deadline amid accusations that climate change or nuclear war seems more likely to kill everyone, rather than the far more interesting zombie hellscape.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The people have instructed us to deliver one simple thing – reanimated corpses trying to eat their brains – and we must not let them down.”

Stephen Malley, from Hatfield, said: “Stop pissing about with the Large Hadron Collider and sort it out.

“I don’t care about the details – a radiation experiment that goes wrong or a virus that gets leaked into the water supply – it doesn’t matter.”

Malley added: “I’ve already bought the weapons and if there isn’t a zombie apocalypse soon my girlfriend is going to make me sell them all.”

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The 'Have a Wank' guide to a good night's sleep

TROUBLE sleeping? We consulted doctors, psychotherapists, stress experts and your partner to find one simple solution stated in five different ways. Follow this guide and you’ll soon be in dreamland:

The GP
Sleep can only come when you are tired both mentally and physically. For this reason, we recommend tackling insomnia with vigorous masturbation.

The psychotherapist
At night the mind is full of the demons of the day, our thoughts still running in the same patterns as in the waking hours. And the easiest way to exorcise those demons is not to take them on – that just feeds them! – but to break the patterns, repurpose that energy and settle the mind by bringing it to closure by having a wank.

The stress expert
Highly successful people know to take regular breaks, but they don’t waste that time surfing the web or watching TV. Instead they take a 10-minute session of punishing self-abuse to remotivate themselves and refresh their bodies. And this executive trick works just as well at night to get the four hours rest needed to make deals. Jack yourself off. Mark Zuckerberg does.

The IT guy
The mind is like a computer, running various processes in the background throughout the day, but at night those background thoughts can become loud and intrusive. And much as a computer clears its cache, we can clear our minds by ‘running a programme’ which overwrites them, for example a cherished erotic memory or sexual fantasy, bringing ourselves off to it just to make sure.

Your partner
Get off. Go on, bugger off, I’m asleep. Well I was asleep. No I’m not in the mood. I’m in the mood for sleep. Fuck off. Go downstairs and have a wank and stop bothering me.