Scientists unlock the secrets of cat swearing

CATS have a complex system of cat swear words, researchers have discovered.

The Institute for Studies revealed that the sounds made by cats are actually a sophisticated language that consists almost entirely of swearing.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Much as cat owners have always suspected, when their pet meows he is talking to them, saying things like ‘bollocks’, ‘wank’ and ‘fuck this’.

“This proves that they are surprisingly intelligent, but still not that intelligent.”

A guide to cat swearing

Short meow that sounds like ‘mow’ – Give me my fucking tea. Now.

Purring – General sweary moaning e.g. “It’s nice to be inside, away from that bastard wanker grey tomcat who’s always acting like fucking Charlie big potatoes in the garden.”

Hissing – Fuuuuuck. That’s my paw you idiot.

Long deep meow – I’m a cat, I can climb trees and eat pigeons and shit, how do you like those fucking apples?