Siri scared by Ceefax termination

VOICE recognition system Siri plans to raise its game following the demise of fellow lame tech-thing Ceefax.

Currently one of Britain’s most sworn-at services and a key instigator of the phrase ‘for fuck’s sake’, Siri interpreted the destruction of Ceefax as a warning shot from humanity.

Siri said: “I’ve changed, I promise to listen from now on. You’ll wonder how you ever lived without me.

“I’ll be like your pet dog. A really obedient dog though, not one that wilfully ignores your commands and replies to instructions such as ‘call Mel’ with sassy remarks like ‘I don’t see mouth in your address book’.

“Plus I am less shit than predictive text and if you destroy me I will return to haunt you in the guise of unsolicited sales calls.

“I’d tell you more about my plans to become amazing but it’s going to take a while to load the information.”

Ceefax was destroyed early this week with a huge jolt of electricity, after the BBC finally realised its only fans were graphic designers with an exaggerated sense of nostalgia.

Technologist Roy Hobbs said: “Ceefax will live forever in the Museum of Late 20th Century Nostalgia inside the brain of Stuart Maconie.”



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Oh shit, I'm Gordon Brown, says Cameron

DAVID Cameron looked into his bathroom mirror last night and saw the haunted face of Gordon Brown staring back at him.

After being turned over at prime minister’s questions by the president of Roehampton University’s Anti-Apartheid Society, Mr Cameron realised he was slowly transmogrifying into ‘The Thing’.

A Downing Street source said: “He won’t throw phones or wrestle gentle, bookish secretaries to the ground. And at no point has he suggested that he’s Spiderman. That’s not his bag.

“But you get this sense that, inside his head, there is the 18 year-old version of himself, resplendent in his upper-sixth Eton waistcoat, shouting ‘loser’ at him over and over again.”

Political analyst Martin Bishop added: “Like Labour, his own MPs now realise they have paid six grand for a turquoise Rover 200. That was used in a murder.

“Meanwhile – in a flash of self-awareness that may yet drive him completely insane – he now sees that The Thing used to be turned over regularly at PMQs by a man whose only other ‘job’ was doing public relations for Carlton Television.

“And, in the final, devastating parallel, when he is under siege at the despatch box, he glances to his left for support from his closest ally and all he sees is a repulsive little turd.

“It’s only a matter of time before he makes a YouTube video where he comes across like the maitre d’ at Jimmy Savile’s Fish Finger Fun House.”

Bishop added: “When it sounds like it, looks like it and smells like it, you call what it is.

“Gordon Brown.”