VOICE recognition system Siri plans to raise its game following the demise of fellow lame tech-thing Ceefax.
Currently one of Britain’s most sworn-at services and a key instigator of the phrase ‘for fuck’s sake’, Siri interpreted the destruction of Ceefax as a warning shot from humanity.
Siri said: “I’ve changed, I promise to listen from now on. You’ll wonder how you ever lived without me.
“I’ll be like your pet dog. A really obedient dog though, not one that wilfully ignores your commands and replies to instructions such as ‘call Mel’ with sassy remarks like ‘I don’t see mouth in your address book’.
“Plus I am less shit than predictive text and if you destroy me I will return to haunt you in the guise of unsolicited sales calls.
“I’d tell you more about my plans to become amazing but it’s going to take a while to load the information.”
Ceefax was destroyed early this week with a huge jolt of electricity, after the BBC finally realised its only fans were graphic designers with an exaggerated sense of nostalgia.
Technologist Roy Hobbs said: “Ceefax will live forever in the Museum of Late 20th Century Nostalgia inside the brain of Stuart Maconie.”