Six basic things that now require a f**king app

TECHNOLOGY changed the world then got carried away. Now these previously simple actions require a fiddly bloody app to use: 

Listening to music

20 years ago you’d select a CD, pop it in the tray, and play the bastard. Hooking up the speakers was a one-time job. Now you need to download the app, set up your account, sync your devices, sit through regular updates midway through Paul’s Boutique and it cuts out when it automatically begins playing in your boyfriend’s car.

Going swimming

You’d rock up at the front desk with your trunks rolled in your towel and pay in coins. Now? You’re informed you must book via an unusable app for a specific slot in the crowded pool and if you don’t make it? You’ll be fined. Don’t worry, you agreed to that when you registered.

Getting a free coffee

It used to be a card you kept in your wallet that got stamped. Crude, effective, unimprovable. Now you’re in the queue at Caffè Nero and you’re downloading, you’re entering your details, you’re surrendering all rights to privacy in perpetuity and it still doesn’t f**king work.

Finding your way around

Maps still exist. So do street signs. You used to have a rough idea where you were all the time. That skill’s long-atrophied, replaced by blindly following Google Maps until you arrive, blinking and disorientated, at your destination. If you run out of battery or there’s no bars you can be six streets away and totally f**ked.

Going to the pub

Even the simple act of nodding in the direction of the pub and grunting ‘pint?’ has been ruined by Silicon Valley. These days it’s all WhatsApp and scrolling through memes you’ve already seen and videos you’ll never watch to find where and when you’re meeting and if that arsehole Gavin will be there.

Getting rejected

Getting shot down was a character-building element of the dating game. It honed your flirting skills, thickened your skin and made pulling all the sweeter. But now it’s all online, and you’re flicking through five dating apps and being cut dead on all of them. It still hurts, but it’s more blunt trauma.

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Lingerie still not as good as nudity

MANUFACTURERS of high-end lingerie are hoping customers do not notice that nudity is not only better but cheaper. 

Victoria’s Secret, Agent Provocateur and Marks and Spencer are continuing to sell their product as erotically necessary even though their intended audience much prefers it removed and on the floor.

Woman and lingerie wearer Sophie Rodriguez said: “It’s sort of like Polo mints conning us into paying for the hole.

“Obviously mainly I wear cotton knickers so large they cover my navel, but I do have a selection of wispy, lacy, barely-there underwear that cost loads, really ride up my arse crack and are quickly discarded.

“They cost loads, are worn for ten minutes and are deeply insubstantial. And go crotchless, assless or cupless and it’s even sexier apparently, which really gives the game away.”

Lingerie designer Helen Archer said: “The enduring appeal of lingerie relates to our perception and the balance between seeing and concealing, heightening suspense and rendering the whole experience more erotic.

“But basically you can’t improve on tits.”