'Is that where the hot water comes in?': six questions you'll feel a knobhead for asking tradesmen

YOU know nothing about how anything works but want to show willing, so you embarass yourself by asking these pathetically ill-informed questions:

‘Is that where hot water comes in?’ 

The box on the wall is the boiler, but it can’t heat water because that’s what a kettle does. So they must ship the hot water for your radiators in somehow, and the red pipe seems the logical choice. The plumber indulges you, warning you not to touch it. You officiously warn your children about it. He adds £110 to your bill.

‘How do you know there’s electricity in the wires if you can’t see it?’ 

The sheer idiocy of the question will be apparent from the electrician’s bewilderment. To prevent him taking the piss or thinking you’re unnervingly strange, follow up quickly with something equally stupid like ‘Or is it negative current?’ From his eyes you know he will tell this story in the pub.

‘Tea? Coffee? Something stronger?’ 

It was fine when you offered the brew, but your little joke falls flat. He’s come in a van. Is this entrapment? Are you trying to seduce him? Is it true what Rees-Mogg said about homeworkers getting pissed all day? He nips off to a trade supplier for parts and warns them about you.

‘Do you have a favourite pipe?’

As soon as the words leave your mouth, awkwardness floods the room. The sheer absurdity of it throws the plumber off for minutes. He might even wonder if he does have a favourite pipe. Then he’ll reason no, that’s nonsense, this must be a sex thing and call for the security of a mate at an extra £85 per hour.

‘Why is gas invisible when it leaks but blue when you cook with it?’

Surely you must be joking, the heating enginer smiles, then realises too late you’re serious. An educated person in a big flat with books and movie posters knows not one f**king thing about the real world. From now on he speaks slowly, carefully and if possible points at pictures.

‘Do you want cash?’ 

What a stupid question. Of course he wants cash.

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Triumph for Scotland as Leviticus fan comes in very close second

SCOTS are celebrating a triumph for liberal values as a big fan of Leviticus chapter 18 only came second in the leadership race.  

Humza Yousaf became first minister after a close-run contest with Kate Forbes, a member of the Free Church of Scotland who prefers Biblical truth to certain modern innovations.

Voter Bill McKay said: “This goes to show what a progressive, forward-thinking country we are that she only won 48 per cent of the vote.

“That’s of SNP members, of course, who are very much the left-leaning section of the electorate. Put her to the whole of Scotland and she’d likely do much better.

“Yes, she’s very keen on that chapter of Leviticus titled ‘Punishments for Sin’, which outlines all the people who are to be put to death and their blood be on their own heads. And especially verse 18:22, about lying with a man as you would a woman. Loves it.

“But she’s promised not to allow beliefs fundamental to her character to influence her politically, which is great as she’ll have a key role in government.”

He added: “We were mental for witch trials up here back when we were our own kingdom. Good times. I bet Kate’s got a list ready.”