CELEBRITIES at an Oscars party have complained about the excessively bright lighting making them look bad. Quite right – photos always present a falsely unattractive image of you. Here’s why.
Photos distort your face’s natural thinness
Does your face look fatter and wider than you expected in a photo? This is just a quirk of perspective, and when you’re photographed from a higher angle your face reveals its true, slender nature. Try it, and always make sure you’re sitting down when you’re talking to someone you’re hoping to shag.
Fluorescent light temporarily causes wrinkles
Harsh fluorescent lighting is full of toxic photons, and when these hit your skin it instantly contracts to stop them getting inside you, temporarily causing ‘wrinkles’ you don’t really have. All those broken blood vessels and old acne scars aren’t really there too.
You’re often bigger due to food
If you appear to be quite overweight in a photo but you know you can’t be that porky, it’s because you’re full of food, stupid! You may think the photo wasn’t taken just after a meal, but digestion isn’t an exact science. Your enzymes might be taking longer over that extra-large doner and chips you ate days ago because it’s so tasty. A good big shit and you’ll look exactly like Dua Lipa again.
Your attractiveness physically alters with the light level
Not many people realise our body undergoes big physical changes depending on the light. In bright light the atoms in your face rearrange themselves to be less appealing and your stomach gets much larger, which is an evolutionary trait to deter predators. If you don’t believe you’re actually changing shape, look at yourself in a mirror in a dimly-lit room. See? You’re surprisingly fit.
Flash photography does not exist in nature
Pictures taken with a camera flash can make you look erroneously greasy and fat-faced. But there is no known species of animal or plant that has a smartphone LED flash anywhere in its body. Therefore photos taken with a flash are totally unnatural and can be ignored.
Photos don’t have a mirror effect
Mirrors are a more accurate image of yourself than a photo. Some people might say it’s the other way round, but if you weigh up the empirical evidence what are you going to trust? A few snaps hastily taken on holiday or at a party, or the literally thousands of times you’ve looked in a mirror? You know what you look like, so Lucy’s photos from your night out can f**k off.
