Six things twats think are legal on the internet

SOCIAL media users say what they like when discussing criminal proceedings involving footballers because twats think that, on the internet, anything goes. Such as:


Strangely ‘harassment’ and ‘malicious communications’ are still offences whether or not a computer screen is involved. However it’s a lot quicker than cutting out individual letters from newspapers to make an old-fashioned postal death threat, so hurrah for the information age.

Paedo accusations 

There’s nothing more fun than ruining a public figure’s life with no actual evidence, right? Especially twats sanctimoniously pretending to be protecting ‘kiddies’ when really they’re just thoroughly enjoying being an armchair paedo hunter sharing all the latest hot nonce gossip.

Prejudicing court cases 

If you’re accused of a crime the last thing you need is a mob of knobheads behind keyboards deciding your fate in online court. Judges take it very seriously, yet people who end up in prison for it always find it surprising, possibly a by-product of being a twat.


You can get away with this and from 2000 to 2010 everyone did. It does rip off creative types but in a way that’s hard to care about; who got hurt when you downloaded Finding Dory? Ellen? She’s got loads of money, it’s fine.

Hate speech

Inciting hatred does not somehow magically become legal when it’s online. The only exception is Call of Duty voice chat, where the sheer volume of gay and racial slurs would require half of the world’s teenagers to be detained indefinitely.

Exposing yourself

Amazingly, unsolicited dick pics aren’t illegal unless you keep doing it, but they soon will be. Maybe preempt the law by not acting like a f**king pervert who thinks women would love a close-up of your dangling, veiny man-meat to keep, treasure and use as phone wallpaper.

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'And this is Boris and Carrie as Agnetha and Anni-Frid': Sue Gray talks you through her photo album

SUE Gray’s 300 photos of Downing Street parties take the viewer on quite a journey. Let her be your guide: 

This is Boris cutting into a Union Jack cake while wearing a plastic Union Jack hat. It’s from his birthday. Look, there’s Lulu Lytle trying to find out who was going to pay her. Rishi’s saying ‘it’s nothing to do with me love’ and Carrie’s glaring at him.

This is the socially distanced garden drinks there was the email about! This one’s Boris coming out and being surprised to find 30 people getting pissed, and this is Boris four hours later being surprised again. He was only there for 20 minutes but not 20 consecutive minutes, apparently. He thinks that’s plausible.

Bet you didn’t expect this one! Naked Twister. One of the January celebrations. Yes, that’s Dominic Raab with his back arched. The next photo he’s standing red-faced and bollock-naked accusing a Spad of cheating. I won’t show you that one, his cock’s upsetting.

Here’s the famous Abba party to celebrate Cummings’s departure. He hated Abba. Socialists, apparently. That’s Carrie as Anni-Frid and Boris as Agnetha, back-to-back, singing Waterloo. Which is all about total personal disaster appropriately enough.

These ones get mixed up, because there were three parties on December 17th and another the day after, while everyone else was in Tier 4, or was it Tier 3? Not sure which ones Boris was at. Doesn’t really matter. Three days later he cancelled Christmas.

This one I think is January, because it’s after the stripper pole was installed. Lord Brownlow queried it but they certainly got some use out of it. Look at Nadine go! She’s flexible because she’s hammered.

And this is Carrie’s birthday at Chequers! The public don’t know about this one yet. The theme was French aristocracy of the 18th century. How wonderfully appropriate.