'What sort of cake was it?' A thick voter discusses the Sue Gray report 

IT’S easy to assume people have some basic grasp of political events. Let low-information moron voter Lauren Hewitt disabuse you: 

I don’t follow politics because politicians are all as bad as each other. But I’m going to have my bloody say about this cake report.

First, they’re not telling you all the facts. People buy a birthday cake just to eat on their own, I’ve done it. What cake was it? Our Leah had one with a photo of the dog’s face on.

Why are they having a go at Boris for eating a cake? I’ll tell you – they love the sound of their own voices. That Starmer’s full of himself, which is disgusting considering he got Jimmy Savile off the hook.

It’s not like anyone followed the rules anyway. I went to Donna’s youngest’s 21st which was absolutely rammed, I didn’t get ill and I was pissed as arseholes. The scientists still don’t know if Covid exists.

Mainly I don’t understand why they’d ban cake. Seems like the police wanting an easy life as usual. It’s a lot easier arresting innocent people for eating a fondant fancy than machine-gunning dinghies.

They’re saying it shows Boris is untrustworthy. Eh? He didn’t say he hadn’t had cake. He stutters a bit, but he’s very learned and is probably trying to get all his thoughts out.

And so what if he likes a bit of cake? We can’t all be Kate Moss. And she’s been to enough parties in her time so I don’t know why she’s so against him.

The whole thing’s reminded me why I don’t vote, apart from against immigrants. All this fuss over a cake. Now if he had had a party, he should resign, but not just over cake. They must of took us for idiots.

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I have definitely got away with it

I STAND before you today in the House of Commons to confirm, once and for all, that I have got away with it. 

The report has been released, albeit it is not the full report and it does confirm that there are currently 12 ongoing police investigations a number of which are into my behaviour, but basically I’m in the clear. That is the lesson to learn from today.

I will do those things the British public is loudly demanding, such as set up an office of the prime minister. That is the least I owe to those who lost family members. I will also review the civil service code of conduct, because I think we can all agree that was the problem.

There will be no further investigations. The full report will never be released. The Metropolitan Police will be leant on until they agree to keep quiet. I get it and I will fix it.

But let the country be in no doubt that I got away with this. My MPs will not revolt. There will be no new leader. I will continue just as I always have, because I got away with this as I always do.

Because I stand before you today humbled by my own capacity to never quite be caught. In respecful awe of my own facility to wriggle out of shit, tested over the years and honed to perfection.

And, emboldened by success, I pledge to you that I will continue on my path. That I will lie, spread the blame and let others pay the price without ceasing to consider the cost, because that is who I am. Thank you.