Six Hollywood beefcakes who are a genuine threat to your marriage

NO matter how happy you think your marriage is, it would end the instant one of these hunks came calling on your wife. Know them and fear them: 

Jason Momoa

He’s Aquaman, he’s single, he’s by all accounts a really lovely guy. And he’s been your wife’s desktop background ever since he was the Horselord or whatever in Game of Thrones, so all it takes is a smouldering glance and a flex of his abs and she’s gone.

Chris Hemsworth

Speaking of superheroes, didn’t your wife used to hate those films? Now she’s got the premiere of Thor: Love and Thunder on the calendar. She even liked him when he was fat in Endgame, which you took as good news for your own heavy gut but actually it was just a testament to her lust for Chris.

John Krasinski

Long before he got abs and became friends with George Clooney – a previous nemesis – his looks to camera on The Office had her shifting suspiciously on the sofa. At any point he could turn up at your door and destroy a 15-year commitment with a single Jim smile. Sly bastard.

Henry Cavill

Endearingly nerdy and undeniably hunky, Cavill spends his time when not smouldering on screen painting Warhammer figures. So do you, but his light touch when drybrushing shows what a sensitive, caring lover he would be. Your wife had to drive you to A&E when a Tyranid got glued to your thumbnail.

Idris Elba

He’s so down to earth! He’s so lovely! He’s definitely the kind of bloke who could take your wife on a romantic date to Nandos and still be in her good books! Worst still he’s a London boy, so he’s only a train ride or a short drive away, as your wife is at pains to point out!

Jamie Dornan

Now he’s shed his 50 Shades past, Belfast’s Jamie is a fantasy your wife is willing to admit to a little too readily. And yes, you have caught her comparing a picture of herself to ‘Jamie Dornan wife’ on Google Images. She’s right, she probably could pull him.

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The idiotic things you're Googling compared to the important things you should be Googling

YOUR life is full of pressing, unanswered questions and the answers are at your fingertips. But instead you’re typing ‘do goats eat tin cans’ into Google: 

Can I create my own independent nation state?

You could collate all the reports of Downing Street parties to make sure your outrage is fully informed, or you could Google whether you could build and declare sovereignty over a small raft you have made out of discarded plastic and two pallets that you could paddle to the Mediterranean in the summer. No? You just haven’t Googled it hard enough.

Is it ‘you’ve got another thing coming’ or ‘you’ve got another think coming’?

Better not to consider big questions like whether humanity will survive long enough for you to get the value out of your pension. Instead dive into minutiae that’s lurking unanswered at the back of your mind, like ‘why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?’ and ‘why do you never see baby pigeons?’

Can we undo Brexit?

Googling is often the preserve of forlorn optimists, so it doesn’t hurt to try. But you already know the answer is  a flat ‘no’, pretty much the same as when you Google, ‘will I ever own a castle?’ or ’are people who move to Dubai actually happy?’

How can I pay no tax?

Having unwisely typed this in, you cannot escape the lurking sensation that HMRC is monitoring internet traffic for this precise purpose. Better hit delete quickly and search on something innocuous, like porn.

What shall I have for dinner?

In desperate need of meaningful human contact? Don’t build real human connections. An automated search engine is a lot more straightforward than the loving embrace of a partner. The internet cannot see into your fridge, it doesn’t care, and it doesn’t know. The answer is another bowl of Coco Pops.

When will something fun happen?

There’s no fun in switching bank accounts to earn 0.02 per cent interest instead of 0.01 per cent interest. What’s coming up that will break the monotony? Can you get out of work by catching Omicron twice? Failing that, when’s Pancake Day?