Six ways to imply that you just got laid on social media

SEX, like justice, must not only be done but be seen to be done. But when signalling to friends, family and work colleagues from 2008 that you’ve recently done it be subtle: 

Affirmations of love

Nobody opened Facebook wondering if you still love your girlfriend. It’s kind of a given until you split up. But opening it and finding a supposedly spontaneous screed about how much you love her, how deep and heartfelt your love is, how you renew your commitment to each other every single day? Oh, did she let you on the nest? How nice.

Use hashtags

Any of these: #couplesnight #intimacy #relationshipgoals #specialmoments #truelove #beautifulwife #blessed #wealsobothdidexcellentoral.

Delicate photography

Think the coyness of a Doris Day film: two pairs of slippers under the bed, candles, a bathtub sensually filled to the brim with bubbles or two wine glasses positioned before a roaring fire. A ‘Date Night’ caption really hammers the message home. They’re looking at the balcony and view but they’re imagining you getting railed on it.

TikTok in a towel

Dear me, am I so spontaneous I’m filming a video of myself in naught but a towel? With my boyfriend in the background, looking artfully dishevelled? We get it, you f**ked, your boyfriend has nice pecs. Alternatively, there’s the option of a screenshotted conversation insinuating a wonderfully healthy sex life. A conversation you’re sharing to your nan.

Anonymous questions

‘Ask me anything!’ ‘Send me anonymous messages!’ Perfect for the compulsive oversharer looking to let everyone know they’re fabulously over-f**ked. ‘When did you last have sex?’ a thirsty little bitch will inevitably ask, and ‘Not telling’ with several wink, splash and aubergine emojis implies it was in the last 15 minutes.

Set up an OnlyFans

To hell with subtlety. Show, don’t tell, as Hollywood says, so bone on camera and get paid for it. Multiple angles, nice edits, a self-selecting audience that’s wanking away and not afraid to tell you. Abandon all understatement. Might make chat awkward in the office kitchen tomorrow, though.

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Man marries his hottest best friend

A MAN was delighted to marry the most physically attractive of all his close female friends.

Jack Browne, aged 32, has happily settled down with Lauren Hewitt who fulfils the hallowed criteria of already knowing him very well and easily looking the best in a bikini of all the women he is lucky enough to count as chums.

Browne said: “You know when you have that moment? Of realising you’re looking everywhere for what was here the whole time? That was me and Lauren’s Instagram.

“I knew she was wife material after noticing all my other female friends were sixes and she’s aged into an eight. Also we have a deep emotional bond going back years and I had to put a ring on it because our other mate Tom was sniffing around.

“By marrying her I get to spend the rest of my life with someone who really understands me and will always have my back, and if I ever get bored I can rekindle my love by looking at her naked.

“Plus I didn’t have to go through the hassle of introducing her to my friends and family and growing as a person while getting to know her. Bosh.”

Hewitt said: “Yeah, Jack’s great. Also my biological clock is ringing loudly and he owns a house.”