How to tell if the man driving your black cab is former Conservative deputy chairman Lee Anderson

JUMPED into a black cab at Paddington? Concerned the ill-informed right-wing rhetoric from the driver seems familiar? Use our checklist: 

Did he begin with ‘that Sadiq Khan, right?’ 

All white men of a certain age, whether earning £100,000 a year presenting GB News or considerably less driving a taxi, hate Sadiq Khan. Anxious to explain it is nothing to do with his ethnicity, they soon reveal it is 85 per cent because of his ethnicity. Phrases like ‘And the way they treat women is a facking disgrace,’ could be used by either.

Did he continue with ‘this Rwanda, I thought we was a democracy?’ 

If your driver seamlessly switches to Rwanda deportation policies and the ‘cast-iron fact’ that ‘we all voted for them’, the rhetoric of Lee Anderson may be first- or second-hand. Do not be fooled into thinking his ignorance of the judiciary’s key role in democracy means he could never have held high office. Anderson knew nothing about ‘all that shite’.

Did he lean on the horn and shout ‘f**k off back to Poland you f**king prick’? 

While characteristic of a long-serving cabbie, this outburst could also have come from the boorish senior policitian promoted by Rishi Sunak. Cherished by voters for his plain-speaking views, temper issues and wilful ignorance, Anderson is very much a man who assuming anyone cutting him up in traffic is here illegally. Still nothing conclusive.

Did he embark on an incoherent rant about gypsies, trans women and the National Trust?

Sadly, while this unintelligible torrent of ill-informed prejudices could come from a taxi driver whose political education is limited to half-heard gobbets of Talkradio, the member for Ashfield has also opined on all of these subjects, often in parliament.

Were you horrified when he said ‘you and me squire, we live in the real f**king world, eh?’ 

Despite your distinct lack of agreement being obvious from your embarrassed silence, your driver has assumed it means you are ‘with him all the way’. While all black cab drivers do this, Anderson also believes that anyone who does not actively abhor him is giving him their full backing. And his show on GB News is called Lee Anderson’s Real World. 

Did he rip you off? 

Did you belatedly register you had been charged £26.80 for a two-mile journey? Concluding, therefore, this must be a proper cabbie? Unfortunately, as Lee Anderson is paid £86k as an MP and does not even get you from A to f**king B, he is as habitual a defrauder as any cab driver. There is no way of knowing if it was Lee or not. And it does not matter.

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Chilled-out girlfriend actually wholly uninterested

A GIRLFRIEND praised for being a relaxed, easy-going partner actually does not give a f**k about her relationship, it has emerged. 

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 26, has no issue with Oliver O’Connor going out with the lads, watching porn or staying up all night smoking cannabis and playing videogames because whatever he gets up to is extremely low in her priorities.

She explained: “If he’s at the pub every night, that means I’ve got the place to myself. If he’s spending hours on YouPorn, that’s one less job for me.

“The stag night in Bratislava had all the other girlfriends nervous while I prepared for a blissful weekend of him not being about bothering me. There was something on Insta about them going to a live sex show, but I didn’t click it. I was watching telly.

“If he wants to stay up all night and he’s wrecked for work the next day, why is that my problem? He’s the dickhead and I sleep better alone.

“And yet when he’s telling his mates it’s like I’m in the running for Girlfriend of the Year, a title I’ve achieved through indifference and a propensity not to ask questions. Whatever, I guess.”

O’Connor said: “This is the woman I want to be with forever.”