SCIENTISTS are no closer to developing a smoke alarm capable of discerning between toasting bread and a raging fire, they have admitted.
Despite years of trying, humanity is still unable to create an appliance that does not automatically lose its shit 30 seconds after a bagel is popped down into the toaster.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Unfortunately, despite pouring millions into research and development, we are unable to achieve this apparently simple task.
“While, to the human nose, there is a world of difference between a gently warming crumpet and a raging fire that is about to raze your home to ashes, we cannot create a fire alarm capable of telling the difference.
“Until we have a breakthrough, as a species we’re doomed to keep frantically flapping tea towels and jabbing broom handles at them while feeling like our ears are about to start bleeding.”
Renter Lucy Parry said: “I disconnected mine the second I moved in, even though I’m in breach of my tenancy, breaking the law and putting my life in danger.
“But I’m f**ked if I’m clambering up on a chair to press the little button and switch it off every time I fancy a Pop Tart.”
