Smoke alarm still unable to tell the difference between blazing inferno and toast

SCIENTISTS are no closer to developing a smoke alarm capable of discerning between toasting bread and a raging fire, they have admitted.

Despite years of trying, humanity is still unable to create an appliance that does not automatically lose its shit 30 seconds after a bagel is popped down into the toaster.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Unfortunately, despite pouring millions into research and development, we are unable to achieve this apparently simple task.

“While, to the human nose, there is a world of difference between a gently warming crumpet and a raging fire that is about to raze your home to ashes, we cannot create a fire alarm capable of telling the difference.

“Until we have a breakthrough, as a species we’re doomed to keep frantically flapping tea towels and jabbing broom handles at them while feeling like our ears are about to start bleeding.”

Renter Lucy Parry said: “I disconnected mine the second I moved in, even though I’m in breach of my tenancy, breaking the law and putting my life in danger.

“But I’m f**ked if I’m clambering up on a chair to press the little button and switch it off every time I fancy a Pop Tart.”

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Woman so impressed with dick pic she sends it to everyone she knows

A WOMAN who received an unsolicited dick pic was so amazed she has passed it to everyone in her contacts book.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 30, received the image of an erect penis after a brief exchange about the weather with a match on Tinder, and admitted she was ‘absolutely blown away’.

She continued: “What a cock. Seriously, if dicks were on money, this one would demand the minting of the £100 note.

“It was too good to keep to myself, so I opened WhatsApp and thought ‘You know what? The whole world needs to know about this knob’ and sent it to everyone I know.

“Unfortunately I was in such a froth at the sight of his magnificent member I forgot to redact the sender’s details, and it went viral so now everyone knows who he is including his girlfriend, employer and mother, but I’m sure that’s fine. I’m sure he’s very proud.

“I mean, if you’re sending unsolicited dick pics then you want people to see it, right? So he’s succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.”

She added: “Apparently most women weren’t as impressed as I was. Some of them have been very cruel.”