THE internet has brought many gifts, like feuding with strangers and easy access to conspiracy theories. But it’s also killed off these treasures:
Soft porn
For a blissful few decades, soft porn was freely available. In our newspapers, in our lad magazines, in Red Shoe Diaries videos rented from a corner shop. It was the gentle sliproad to the world of real sex. Now there’s only unpleasant, orifice-focused hardcore pornography and the world is worse for it.
The Nigerian Royal family
The Nigerian Royal family used to be fine, upstanding people, an example to their nation. Then email arrived and a couple of morally lax princes with poor English used it as an easy way to part Westerners from their money. Now their name is reviled worldwide.
Local newspapers
Newspapers had a proud history at the heart of the local community, covering important stories like allotment robberies. But along came the internet, and people no longer had to wade through that shit for the job ads. Now their websites are all ‘ten shops near you that sell Pepsi’, or ‘seven dog breeds suitable for a Ford Fiesta’.
Stumbling upon stuff
Remember when you found that Bowie-in-a-dress LP for £2 on a market stall? That vintage Chanel gown? Those books you’d never heard of in a charity shop? Now the minute you think of anything you want, it’s straight on eBay to find out it’s either £4 including delivery or priceless. The only stuff you stumble across is unwanted crap.
Going out
Once upon a time, there was only telly. So anyone wanting a good time had to put on a coat and go out of their home. But along came Netflix and umpteen other streaming services and suddenly there was too much must-see prestige TV for you to go anywhere.
Wild lies
That man propping up the bar who swore he did a loop-the-loop when he captained a submarine used to be able to get away with it. You thought he was lying but you weren’t sure, especially if you’d had a couple. Now you Google it and know it’s bollocks in seconds, and something inside of you dies.
