Stone-cold psycho sitting on bus staring out of window without even headphones in

A MAN who is riding a bus without any form of entertainment is presumed by his fellow passengers to be extremely dangerous. 

Stephen Malley has unnerved onlookers by not watching a film or television series, not listening to music or a podcast, and instead staring into the distance like some kind of maniac.

Passenger Wayne Hayes said: “He was looking intently out of the window like it was some kind of phone screen or laptop.

“I don’t know exactly how he thought he was going to hear a stranger’s sarcastic thoughts about Brexit or see a friend’s honeymoon pictures that way. It’s like going back to medieval times, like 2008.”

“Sometimes people have books, and we don’t trust them but we tolerate them. But nothing? Nothing at all? He’s clearly ready to snap.”

Malley said: “Every now and again I said ‘death is coming’ at a normal conversational volume because I knew that literally nobody would hear me.”

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The conditions attached to the EU's latest Brexit extension

THE EU has granted Britain a third Brexit extension, this one for just three months. But a number of stringent conditions are attached. They are: 

– That the UK must stop f**king about

Known as the prohibere de sodomiticum clause, this mandates that unlike the previous extension in which the UK took six months to replace an unpopular prime minister without a workable plan with the exact same, this time it must stop f**king about and get real. Regarded as unenforceable.

– That construction of Bruxelles-on-Humber begins immediately

This clause compels the UK to build a complete working replica of the European Parliament just outside Hull for all Brexit Party MEPs to be tricked into attending. Was debated in the EU Parliament, with the Brexit Party in attendance, but there is no way they got it.

– That the UK shut up about the war

The non ad mentionem bellum clause demands that all UK politicians cease harking on about a war which they did not fight in and, given their current xenophobia, would have backed the opposite side in. Mandates use of subdermal electrical-impulse chips for repeat offenders.

– That a prime minister defy Rupert Murdoch just once

This compels any Conservative prime minister to introduce a bill, on any subject, that opposes the wishes of Rupert Murdoch and the Sun. Inserted just to see if it’s actually possible. Likely to trigger complete collapse of government if used.

– That they recognise the EU has some benefits 

Orders the UK to produce an independent assessment showing that membership of the world’s largest trading bloc does have economic advantages. Will be buried by government and only released to the public in 2050 under the Public Records Act’s 30-year rule.

– That the UK can leave the moment a Brexit deal is agreed

Included just for completeness’ sake. Nobody expects this one to be used. The next extension’s pencilled in to be agreed January 29th.