Stonehenge tunnel will be mystical, Clegg tells druids

NICK Clegg has pledged that the Stonehenge road tunnel will be a very mystical experience.

The druid tunnel ghosts will also carry ‘orbs’

The self-styled deputy prime minster reassured worried druids by claiming the road will be a ‘portal to the mind of Merlin as well as a dual carriageway’.

He said: “Shimmering, white robed figures, who seem almost real, will wave at you slowly while beaming their ancient wisdom directly into your brain.

“And if you wind your window down you may even hear some kind of weird, ancient music. Possibly made by a gong.

“You’ll have to drive very carefully, because trust me, you are going to lose your shit.”

Clegg added: “This is the merging of ancient and modern engineering. You can contemplate both the ageless mystery of the Henge and why you’re in such a hurry to get to the Homebase in Andover.”

Druid Julian Cook said: “Communing with Merlin in a tunnel will be very mystical. Plus, I have a Volvo XC90 which can hold seven druids if two of them are quite small.”



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All drug-related crime ‘basically the same as Breaking Bad’

ANY real-life situation involving illegal drugs is like something out of Breaking Bad, according to newspaper editors.

Media executives confirmed that coverage of any drug-related crime must contain at least one reference to the hit US show, ideally showing a picture of the culprit alongside an image of main character Walter White.

Editor Roy Hobbs said: “Yesterday a 17-year-old girl got busted smuggling a load of pills into the UK. That is so similar to Breaking Bad it’s uncanny.

“In fact it’s practically the same story except the protagonist is younger and female, not a teacher, smuggling drugs not making them, involved with a different type of drug and living in a different country.

“Truly this is life imitating art.”