Superhero to use most powerful move 'much earlier' in future adventures

A SUPERHERO has realised that from now on he should probably use his most powerful move a lot earlier.

BlasterMan, 28, who has the ability to summon huge sonic blasts at will, made the pledge after battling the evil overlord Kraarl from the fifth dimension.

He sadi: “In the past I’ve always used small to moderate sonic blasts to begin with and then it’s not till the last moment, when the surrounding city is mostly destroyed and all my allies are either incapacitated or dead, that I turn to whoever is still alive and say something like ‘hang on, I’m going to try something’.

“I then start to remember something from my childhood or earlier in my superhero career where a long dead family member or wise teacher told me something about the nature of good and evil or whatever.

“I then summon up my most powerful sonic blast – a mega-blast if you will – that’s pretty much capable of killing anyone or anything – mutants made from nuclear waste, alien spaceships, whatever turns up really.”

It was BlasterMan’s ally TreeGirl, who has the power to control almost any tree, who suggested the change of strategy.

She said: “He fired off this mega-blast and Kraarl’s head just exploded. I was like ‘Dude, why didn’t you do that earlier? Half a city has been destroyed, couldn’t you have done that right at the start?’.

“And he just sort of looked a bit embarrassed and was like ‘Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought of that’. What a prize arse.”

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Couple laugh about cliché of 'flat pack furniture arguments' then have massive row anyway

A COUPLE who joked about how putting IKEA furniture together would ruin their relationship now have half a Billy bookcase and hate each other’s guts. 

Donna Sheridan and Nathan Muir began the assembly process in high spirits, laughing about the rift it would cause, but have not spoken for four hours and do not know if they ever will again.

Sheridan said: “It seemed hilarious in the shop. All those couples who so clearly wanted to smother each other with Malisen throw cushions. How unlike them we were.

“But my illusion of Nathan as an intelligent and capable person has been shattered by watching him struggling to turn an Allen key for the 19th time.

“And yes, perhaps I didn’t realise from the patronisingly simple diagrams that some of the shelves were adjustable, but he didn’t have to be such a twat about it. We didn’t need every single fucking shelf, did we?

“I’m sure we’ll laugh together again. Just not about this specific thing.”