Tangled cables told to f*ck off

THESE tangled cables need to go fuck themselves, it has been confirmed.

The cables – for a television, blu-ray player and laptop – became tangled after being placed next to each other in an orderly fashion less than 30 minutes ago.

It is understood the cables are either alive or that special ‘electro-magnetic waves’ caused them to become entwined with each other.

Experts said that whatever is causing it, these cables are a collection of extraordinary bastards.

Cable owner Tom Logan said: “For fuck’s sake just untangle, you cocking twats.”

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Britain finds curved croissants sexually confusing

THE UK has admitted that it finds curved croissants too sexually ambiguous to eat.

Tesco has removed the serpentine pastries from sale after one too many customers threw their croissant to the ground screaming “AM I STILL A MAN?!” after trying, and failing, to take a bite.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “A curved croissant invites penetration but demands immersion, covering the eater’s face in crumbs, in butter, in jam in a gustatory act of submission.

“To eat a curved croissant is to call oneself a puff, which is why most end up being punched hard and then their remains licked guiltily off a fist, while weeping.”

Stephen Malley of Colchester said: “It made me think things.

“From now on I’m sticking to foods I understand, like stuffing endless thick, fat chips down my eager throat or gorging on bangers and mash.”