The complete f**king mess your parents have made of their new smart TV: a troubleshooting guide

YOUR parents have taken the plunge and bought a new smart TV. Within days it’s f**ked, and they want you to fix it. Here’s how:

‘Loss of signal’ message

Your parents are from the age where every electrical device had to be unplugged at bedtime, so they don’t realise that the broadband hasn’t finished connecting before they switch the TV on. No matter how many times you explain this is why they’re seeing the ‘Loss of signal’ message they refuse to leave the hub on overnight, in case it burns the house down or electrocutes the budgie.

Squashed display

Modern TVs default to widescreen, so if your parents are watching Dad’s Army in a mid-screen stripe with the head and legs cut off Captain Mainwaring then one of them has been recklessly pressing buttons trying to fix it. But it’s not their fault, it’s the TV’s for being from Japan and refusing to show ‘proper British television’.


Your parents are hard of hearing so the TV is on full volume, while relaying audio description, signing for the deaf and subtitles in Greek. They have put up with this for several days before calling you after gradually becoming irritated with the signer ‘waving all time’. You could go over and correct these issues, but then they’ll just moan they want them back.

Deleted apps

You spent a full afternoon creating accounts for them on streaming apps, which have now disappeared. They say the fault lies with the remote control, as the buttons are too small and sensitive. Sadly, you know a voice-activated remote will not solve the problem, unless it’s capable of discerning commands punctuated with ‘ruddy’, ‘god forsaken’ and other more inappropriate phrases from a less inclusive era.

Every setting on 100%

Watching your parent’s TV takes you on a wild out-of-body psychedelic experience due to the contrast, saturation, colour and brightness being set to maximum. You consider adjusting it but decide not to, as perhaps they want to spend their twilight years feeling like they’re tripping their tits off to the magic telly.

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Good-looking but unaware of it: The contradictory boyfriend requirements of women

EVER feel women have impossible standards for boyfriends? You’re right. Here are some of their contradictory requirements that mean there’s zero chance of a shag.

Must be good-looking but in no way vain

Many women want a guy with conventional good looks (think: young Hayden Christensen) but who isn’t obsessed with clothes/moisturisers/his hair. Also he should not be aware that he can easily sleep around. Luckily the world is brimming with extremely good-looking men who’ve never encountered a reflective surface.

Must combine spontaneity and meticulous planning

For example: you should suggest a crazy, spur-of-the-moment weekend away, but also like planning holidays with Wehrmacht-style thoroughness so that literally nothing can go wrong. It’s such a contradictory mindset that if you tried to program a robot this way its brain circuits would catch fire and explode.

Must be amazing in bed but without a string of hot exes

Your partner’s exes can be a psychological pain in the arse. You particularly don’t like the thought of them having more fun together or much better sex. Therefore the perfect boyfriend should have no sexual history at all yet somehow be really good at sex, which is eerily similar to being a brand new ‘pleasure model’ replicant.

Must be hard but not get into fights

The ideal boyfriend needs to be harmless 99.9% of the time yet able to intimidate other men in a dodgy situation or to protect you. Unfortunately there’s a reason why some men are good at fighting: they practise a lot. If you go out with one prepare yourself for a thrilling rollercoaster ride of tense nightclub and kebab shop stand-offs.

Must be successful but not off-puttingly ambitious

Granted, careerist twats who say things like ‘failure isn’t in my vocabulary’ should be ground up in an industrial mincer. However there is a causal link – high-flyers are frequently massively into their tedious jobs. So as a man all you need to do is find a career combining a high salary with gentleness and humility. Have you tried applying for Archbishop of Canterbury?

Must have a great sense of humour within rigid parameters

Boyfriends should be able to deploy a range of humour from devastating wit to genuine belly laughs. But joking all the time is unattractive, and acting the clown is obviously out. Also beware of telling bad taste jokes that might offend your girlfriend in some obscure way. Fortunately your boyfriend mind reading skills should prevent that happening.