YOUR parents have taken the plunge and bought a new smart TV. Within days it’s f**ked, and they want you to fix it. Here’s how:
‘Loss of signal’ message
Your parents are from the age where every electrical device had to be unplugged at bedtime, so they don’t realise that the broadband hasn’t finished connecting before they switch the TV on. No matter how many times you explain this is why they’re seeing the ‘Loss of signal’ message they refuse to leave the hub on overnight, in case it burns the house down or electrocutes the budgie.
Modern TVs default to widescreen, so if your parents are watching Dad’s Army in a mid-screen stripe with the head and legs cut off Captain Mainwaring then one of them has been recklessly pressing buttons trying to fix it. But it’s not their fault, it’s the TV’s for being from Japan and refusing to show ‘proper British television’.
Your parents are hard of hearing so the TV is on full volume, while relaying audio description, signing for the deaf and subtitles in Greek. They have put up with this for several days before calling you after gradually becoming irritated with the signer ‘waving all time’. You could go over and correct these issues, but then they’ll just moan they want them back.
You spent a full afternoon creating accounts for them on streaming apps, which have now disappeared. They say the fault lies with the remote control, as the buttons are too small and sensitive. Sadly, you know a voice-activated remote will not solve the problem, unless it’s capable of discerning commands punctuated with ‘ruddy’, ‘god forsaken’ and other more inappropriate phrases from a less inclusive era.
Every setting on 100%
Watching your parent’s TV takes you on a wild out-of-body psychedelic experience due to the contrast, saturation, colour and brightness being set to maximum. You consider adjusting it but decide not to, as perhaps they want to spend their twilight years feeling like they’re tripping their tits off to the magic telly.