AT some point we all need an expensive expert to help us. Here are five people who can shaft you, and there’s nothing you can do:
Got a blocked toilet? Sadly your school taught you trigonometry and Latin instead of something useful like plumbing, so you have to call someone in to deal with it. It’ll cost a fortune but, understandably, no one wants to be elbow deep in your poo for nothing.
There’s a weird knocking noise in your car that gets louder when you’re in second gear, so you have to take it to the garage. Despite putting on a performance worthy of Gielgud, you haven’t got a clue what the mechanic is talking about when he explains the problem and will pay anything not to have to get the bus to Waitrose.
Boiler repair engineers know you haven’t the faintest clue how your boiler works, other than to change the temperature. So when they tell you that the steam expansion vessel has corroded and needs to be replaced you just gulp and hand over the cash, while simultaneously waving goodbye to this year’s holiday.
It takes an average of four weeks to get a roofer to return your phone call, and a further nine to get them to come out and give you a quote. Add on another six weeks for them to actually do the work and you’re just so grateful the leak in your roof is going to be fixed that you don’t care how much they charge you.
Good plasterers are rarer than pangolins. While you wait to find one, you joke to friends that it would be easier to watch a couple of how-to videos on YouTube and have a crack at it yourself. When you have thoroughly f**ked up your walls, carpet and marriage, you will happily wait several months and hand over thousands of pounds to get an expert to do it.